I never knew

how much my heart could really hurt until after I turned 55. Boy oh boy, it can hurt a lot and for so many reasons.

Love yourself and those places that hurt the worst. Once we can do that and then project love to the reasons the hurt exists the pain fades into nothingness.

Love, love , love, love...

peace to all

there's no way to know

how much time we've got. Mom's blood pressure is 220/90 now most the time. She seems to be content. She doesn't want to take showers and I don't blame her. It's not so easy to watch and to make decisions. Sometimes I really hate being a grown up.

Nothing good to report here

until there is I will be silent. 

No one wants to read about stuff unless it's happy and optimistic! 

peace and love to all 

Betwixted

, grateful yet full of regret as well. Mixed up.

So many are suffering with ailments and loss of loved ones and starvation and worse. My heart goes out to them. I meditate and try to keep optimism alive. 

I feel regretful for being upset about not being able to ride. I wish I knew how to fix these flare-ups, but my life isn't so unbearable. 

This world needs more love and understanding. You can call me weak if you want. But love has the most enduring connection and strong bond.

I have friends suffering pain I can't imagine living through on a daily basis yet still working and providing stellar service to their customers.

Friends have lost their parents and love ones.

Still others are malnourished, homeless, in need of basic necessities right here in my community.

much love to all
blessings and understandings for those that are different from me

peace

Grace

So many things. I request assistance from The Sage, Universe, any one or thing to grant me Grace for the foreseeable future. 

At some point I'll be more comfortable writing about this (maybe), but for now that would be in contradiction of grace.  

Love and peace for all
 

Labels

I'm too "nosey", "invasive", "confrontational". So many adjectives so little whitespace. haha 
I take things to heart, personal more than I should. It's how I'm built. No apologies, not anymore. I also care deeply about those I have in my large circle. No, I won't be brazen and say they are all close friends, some are acquaintances, etc. But I am grateful for each one and the relationship we have.
Some have chosen to sever in this way or that our ability to communicate regularly. But I continue to send loving and healing vibes to all.
This life is full of tribulations and trials. It may take me 10 or 100 or 1,000 more lifetimes to make peace with it.
Less pokey & prickly and more soft like water. Takes a while for me to figure out things. Then it takes lots of trial and error to start to get it close.


For those of you that read this I am grateful.
So many are going through major life changes right now. I wish I had a magic wand. But mostly I hope we can all find common ground, understanding, love, serenity, peace, and more 

Much love and peace for everyone

Mini vacay, part 3

Am I being lazy? or is there really something going on in this body? I want to go and do and train. Some days, like this morning, it I'm just not feeling energetic, fit, ready to do what I've planned.

It's 11:07 pm and I return to work tomorrow. I seriously wish there was someway I could ride my bike most days in the mountains. Ride being the operative word!and not push it uphill.

It was steamy (humid) this week, independent of the temperatures.

Well I got sidetracked and typed the above then a full week goes by. That happens to me when reality sets in. 

Friday I took my time at The Crashpad. I fried an egg and made oatmeal, had a cup of tea and chatted with those that were doing the same. There was a couple that have travelled to Asia and India and they shared their adventures with us. I was inspired to start thinking of another international trip. I must start saving, both money and PTO (or maybe not worry about PTO). Wrapped up, loaded up and hit the road. It was my birthday and I made way to Brevard. I went to Pisgah brewery and then went to an anniversary party thrown by one of the local bike shops. They had food catered and brews and their own mini pumptrack people rode. 

There was a road event that weekend and the campground was full again, but I stayed where I stayed Memorial weekend. It was pleasant and quiet and comfortable. 

Saturday I got up and ate and drove to Trace Ridge trailhead. A friend shared his map and thoughts about the trail. The climb was tough. The descent was fun though very tight in a few places where the rhododendrons have grow close. When I got back to the van and was changing I heard voices and saw a friend from Louisville ride up. We chatted and made plans to meet for dinner later that evening.

I wanted to be sure and get done in time to see the Blueridge battle - pumptrack challenge at I9.  I'm so glad I did. It was fun to watch and video and talk with people. I met Chris and Jessie at The Phoenix for dinner, hit the chocolatier and then headed to Oskar Blues for a beer before turning in for the night.

Sunday I got up and the body was telling me how I'd ridden much more than I have recently. I'd been ignoring a flare-up to the best of my ability and kept the lidocaine handy. I was determined and so ate a bite and rode lower Black Mountain. It was damp as was Trace Ridge. But the descent is so fast and flowy! My time descendng was slower than before but I was happy to be in the forest. Of course I had to visit The Hub and Pisgah Tavern. I was thrilled to see Meaghan and Dave while I was in town. 

I left and went to Pisgah brewery to purchase some brews for home. They carry this mango chipolte hummus that is so good, I bought 2 to bring home. Next stop was Bruisin' Ales and found a few new choices and some for friends also. 

The drive wasn't terrible, but it's definitely long after riding same day (even though my ride was short).

My mini vacay was very nice and I'm grateful I can do things like this. Sure would be good to have others to share with, but make the best of what you have. One of these days maybe I'll get to travel with others again. 

So I'm 57, June is almost over and started the 58th revolution. Still have things to do and say. Violet turned 3 months last Friday. Time goes so quickly. 

peace and love

Yay for equal marriage rights! Now if we could just ratify the Equal Rights Amendment for women in this country.

xo   

Mini vacaypart 2

Best evening I've had in a long time. Got to hang out with a friend before the show. Surprised me at my van. That was great. Seeing The Rolling Stones boogie and rock agelessly was outstanding. Plenty of dancing, singing along and it was a very warm night. They didn't start until after 9:30. It was after 11:30 when they ended. That's Central time, going home you lose an hour. (I didn't go home but a friend had to drive home to Louisville). 

It was about an hour before getting on the interstate and head to the campground. It was 1:30 before I laid my head down. (that's 2:30 body clock) My body is all out of whack. haha Cages Bend Campground is very nice and I will go back.

Of course I slept in a bit, until the dogs started barking and the sun was hitting my face. Went to Starbucks for oatmeal, took my time. No need to be in a hurry. All things happen as they will. Drove to Chattanooga. Went to Raccoon Mountain and rode. It was 3:30 or after before I arrived, changed and starting to ride. Not the best ride. So happy I found the lidocaine before leaving home. Flareups be damned! ha, yeah right. That's ok. Ride everyday and get that fitness on the upswing, right? I love riding here. I so wish I had the fitness to really enjoy it.

Switch Yard from the trail

Switch Yard from the road

So fun! Much of the Raccoon trails remind me of O'Bannon Woods with rock, etc. But Raccoon has lots of sand too.

After riding and having a snack I googled weather and campgrounds for Knoxville and Pisgah. By the time I got down from Raccoon I was getting very hungry. Flying Squirrel I thought and it was 5 minutes from myt current location. As I walked to Squirrel I stopped in to say Hi at The Crash Pad.  They had one bunk left and it's on first floor and bottom bunk, SCORE!

I can't believe I'm still awake, except my clothes are in the dryer. A few more hours and I'll wrap up this 57th year of life outside the womb. Looking forward to this next revolution and see what it has in store. 

Forever grateful for each experience, wonderful and painful both. 

peace and love 

Mini vacay part 1

Tuesday plan was to leave from work. Life happens and plans alter. Had an appt with lung Dr. It went well. The PA didn't seem pleased when I told her I use my long lasting inhaler "as needed" and the Dr had said I could. Dr came in and asked how I'm doing to which I replied just fine. "Any issues" no, not really. Maintaining. To which he says, "see ya next year, do you want any samples?" Of course I'll take samples, that stuff is outrageously expensive. 

A friend lost her Mom to Alz this week, visitation was yesterday and burial today. She is a dear and I couldn't leave town without paying respects. She has been very thoughtful with me and my Mom situation. 

Loaded the car and grabbed a quick dinner at El Taco Luchador then hit the road. It was 7:30 ish. Ran through rain in Hardin county, looked fierce but other than a heavy downpour wasn't bad at all. Pulled into camp around 11, 10 here in TN and missed the checkin. Setup camp for evening, drank a cider and went to sleep. Rested well, the sun woke me about 6 and got up at 7. Checkin was closed still so I headed to Starbucks for oatmeal and points East to ride. 

Brian and I had talked about several places we'd like to ride over the last couple of years. Defeated Creek was one and was about an hour drive from Cages Bend campground. The information on Trailfu was limited at best. I arrived and found the trailhead right outside the campground there. A gentleman was walking back to his truck and we chatted briefly. He said if you climb all the way to the ridge there are some pretty difficult places on the way back down. Good!

I took my time. No need to be in a hurry and have many more days to ride ahead. There were a couple of fairly steep washed out climbs that I walked. The temp and humidity was climbing. It doesn't look like many are riding this trail. The lower parts are better traveled than the top, Grizzly. Grass was heavy and tall in places. I found plenty of spider webs that wind up around my neck and in my face. Sticks and limbs were down everywhere and I kept thinking I should've bought a spare dérailleur hanger to keep handy for the Trance. I'm fairly sure I rode everything legal for bike and got 8 miles and 863 ft climbing. The ride back down was fun and I made all the switchbacks. There were a few places with rock drops, but they were tame and a few steep swooping drops that dropped in dry creek beds and climbed back out with no effort if you descended with good speed. 

Went to the campground looking for a camp store to buy a Popsicle. There wasn't a camp store! So I rode to the Marina and found a cold Yeungling instead. haha

Sitting here back at Cages Bend after a nice shower and lunch. Maybe I'll take a nap. I'm heading to Nashville before long to see The Rolling Stones. Another first. Not sure how it will be in LP field. But I'll take it all in stride. 

Hope everyone at Short track has a great time tonight, hate missing it but can't be in two places at same time. #priorities 

peace

ps no place for my hammock, hope there is at my next resting place. 

Hell yes I'm scared

and know there's no reason to be. People ask me about traveling alone, riding alone, etc. If I had my druthers I'd be fit and fast enough to ride with other people then maybe I'd be invited along to ride places. I spent too much time cajoling and trying to get invited. That just ends up in disaster. So I won't sit home and wait. I am going to go and do. Yes, sometimes I'm in over my head. I can't think about it. It's like a lot of things in life. I can live in fear of what could happen or I can go and do and let life happen as it does. 

Never would I have thought I'd be on my own, solo, this long. But then life zigs and zags. 

I am a scaredy cat on the trails lots of times. Other times I have a confidence that surprises me. Don't get me wrong. I have no fitness, but I have moments where the legs and heart and lungs feel so good and I am one with the bike and the geometry of the dirt and I feel like I am soaring.

Lots on my mind. I'm missing the last two days of Short Track for this trip. It's my birthday weekend. No one had mentioned anything about it and I didn't expect them to, so I started planning to use the time I had saved for helping out when my granddaughter was born. 

Another trip around the sun completes very soon. Makes one think about many things. 

The last few days have been such a joy. I spent time Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday with friends and family. What fun is has been to feast after what seems life a long drought. I am grateful and humbled.

Prayers to all who have lost parents, children, pets, friends over these last days, weeks and months. 

Peace and love for everyone

Short Track week #3

Another fun evening with great people! It was HOT but not too humid. Since this was my last possibility to race the series I didn't want to miss. But major flare-up happened Monday and was miserable today. Rode to work this morning and seriously considered going home, but needed to  get things done and didn't want to burn a PTO day. :-)

Got out of work and rode home. A friend came to visit and we rode to Eva Bandman together. I tried to talk her into racing, but she didn't bring her MTB. 

I started the race, but realized the pain was too distracting and I was going to be an obstacle for the others. Still had fun, always have fun riding bikes and being with like-minded people.

Time to think and regroup.

Will add photo/video later.

peace and g'nite







it should be easier. I was told I shouldn't care. But I do, it's how I'm wired. To be standing and talking with people and have people either act like you're not there or just walk away. this too is life. c'est la vie, non?

Emotonal moment here folks

My niece got married Saturday. What a beautiful ceremony and celebration it was. The officiant recognized those that were not able to be with us including my Dad and my niece's grandparents on her mother's side as well as relatives of the groom. Tears welled up in my eyes. And I thought about Mom too. They played such good music including some Nat King Cole. My Dad loved his music and had several of his albums. He also loved Big Band and some jazz.  The groom is a musician and teacher. Dad would've really liked him I think.

The bride and groom dance:  Greta and Jacob's newlywed dance

Visited Mom today at supper time. (read a comment recently about the use of the word supper, definitely not a southern person). They had dressed hamburgers, tater tots, and pork and beans with lemonade. We visited a bit and I went to fill her med planner. They were still eating when I finished that and I sat with her and chatted with her table mates. Well, only one gentleman was capable of conversation. They had chocolate pudding for dessert and I got out my iPhone and showed Mom pictures of Greta and Jacob's wedding. She kept asking his name and commenting on how tall he is. She said "Greta is going to have to look up all the time to see his face." Next I got some photos of Violet, her first great-granddaughter. She repeated and repeated her name. She asked for her full name. When I said Violet Elena, she really liked Elena. I showed her a couple of videos of Violet also. She just smiled and said how pretty and happy she is. She wants to see her and I want her to as well.

Sitting here posting videos from the wedding and a post about my visit to mom and I get emotional. Happy and sad all at the same time. Life is constant change. It's all out of our control. The best we can do is love and love and love each other.

Thinking about friends who've recently lost parents and those whose parents are close to leaving this world. Then I see all of the expectant Moms and Dads and new babies on my Facebook wall and the circle of life continues.

Love your family and friends as much as you can. You never know when they won't be.

Peace and love to all

thoughts

tired very tired

and sad

Louisville Short Track MTB race #2

Different course this week. There was only one log, small in diameter to clear just before a left hand turn, no big deal. The course stayed inside the wooded area and incorporated a jump that was rollable, though I wish I had the skilz to jump because rolling it wasn't fun or fast.

I rode to the course from home on my Scalpel with flat pedals. The temps were great, high 60s. Lots of familiar faces were there and a couple of new ones on the Women's C start line! I rode to the venue 1) because it seems silly to drive 2) thought it would give me a good warm-up before racing, next time add a couple of miles I think.

I pre-rode the course about 3 laps. The one thing I didn't like about the course was the hill. They put in this steep climb of about 30 feet. I made it up about 3/5 of the way during warm-up. First lap in the race I slid out and everyone passed me. Climbing that in my 5/10s was a big challenge. They have fairly slick soles, thus no traction. Maybe I should put my clip-less pedals and shoes in my bag for next week. nah I am not making excuses. I should be able to ride that climb unless it's full of others walking it. Several of the juniors passed me and some of them are very small. Not to worry, no damage to my ego there. Two of them got tangled and one smashed into a tree. They got their bikes apart by the time I got to them. The one was crying a bit and I said jump on your bike and ride, you are going to be fine! He did and I think he was just fine.

Again, I must say how nice it is to have people cheering for you. It is a huge boost even if there's no way to do better than last. I am humbled when I hear my name. People I did not think would ever cheer for me did. Still wondering about that.

Watching the rest of the races and cheering for everyone is the very best part of the evenin' for me. That and talking to folks. It's always fun to run from place to place on the course and snap photos or take some video. I did grab some video at the jump and caught a few catching air.

A friend and I chatted briefly. She said how good it was to see me making a comeback to racing. hmmm  Not so sure this is what I would call a comeback. I have no fitness. I may never have any chance of being competitive again. But I love the atmosphere and hope to make some Cyclocross races this fall. 

Women's A/B race start:

Men's A Race start:

 


I will try to post a vid and/or photo later tonight to this blog entry.

I hope everyone is enjoying their Springtime.
peace and love

p.s. the autoimmune stuff just stinks, flareups keep happening out of the blue. One started Monday evening and was no fun for last night's race. Good news: asthma and allergies seem to be better for now. :-)

Louisville MTB Short.Track.Racing Race #1 2015

So other than an attempt at an Enduro or three over the last two summers I haven't seriously raced since the 2012/2013 Cyclocross season. I can't say it's much different since I'm not sure Wednesday's race counts as serious racing (for me). 

I'm out of practice on race prep so got home, gathered my gear and bike, loaded the van and headed to Eva. This after making numerous trips back to the house for this and that. Once I arrived I felt terribly rushed to get registered and the line was growing at the reg tent, then to get my timing chip. Rush back to the van and change (have I said how common it is to see me anywhere in the USA changing clothes in parking lots? yeah, all the time). Before I turned 45 I never would've thought at almost 57 I would be doing any of these things.

I digress.  The Trance is too heavy for short track racing, IMO. I had lent my Scalpel to a friend to ride for a couple of weeks and he returned it Tuesday night, all clean and ready to go. Lowered my saddle, put my pedals on and went for a pre-ride thinking I had about 15 minutes before start time. In an ideal world a minimum 30 minute ride for warmup is best for me. There were 3 logs to clear, 2 small and one not so small (but there was a ride around I discovered during the race). About halfway through the first warmup lap and my gears started wanting to shift themselves, more than needing a trim. The one climb on the course made this problem seem even worse.  I rode to my van and worked on adjusting things. At first I moved the barrel in the wrong direction, but I figured that out and thought I had it right.  Rode 2 more laps and went to start line. 

The kids race was just starting! I had more time than the schedule said, which was good for me to calm down and watch the little ones. These girls and boys are anywhere from around 2 to 8 riding tricycles, striders and bicycles. They are all in and racing their little bums down the track. So adorably cute they all are!

 Since I haven't had any fitness and long time since racing I entered the Women's C race. There were 4 of us and we were set for 20 minutes. In addition to us we had the Juniors racing 30 seconds behind us. Well, it didn't take long for several of them to pass us! I lost count but think we completed 4 maybe 5 laps and total time was less than 20 minutes. I haven't ridden that hard with my heart rate pegged in a long time! Clare was much too fast and she dieseled well out in front and I never saw her after the first lap. Leigh Ann was in 2nd and I can't remember when I passed her. Maybe about the time the first junior boy passed us. The Jr girls came around fairly early on. I wound up 2nd. Was happy the wheezing subsided by the end of the following race and was humbled by all of the people cheering for me as I rode around and around the course. I do not have the words to convey the way that makes me feel. But I do hope I can get some consistency over the summer and drop some weight. No commitments, but it would be nice to through in a cyclocross race this fall. End of the day if I never race again I'd be fine with it. But being around all the people in the cycling community is great. The mountain bikers especially are some of the most supportive around.

There are so many fun people that raced Wednesday. I'm so proud of K8 monster and another Jr I can't remember her name, Kate Dietrich, KK Santos, Laura Chism, Jennifer Hester, Mary Penta and Jenna Blandford. These women and many more are my heroines to be sure regardless of their age.

The men's races were fun to watch as well, but I will let them tell their stories. :-D

We have four more Wednesdays to race. It costs $10 each and $5 if you are a Jr and free for kids. There's a food truck, Black Rock Grille that serves up delicious burgers and fries. The kids get Popsicles after their race and I'm thinking a few people have extra brews in their coolers if you forget yours. 

Come down and watch us all suffer for 20-30 minutes racing our bikes through the woods at Eva Bandman. It's free and a great family oriented time.

Peace

The others left before our podium. :-(

May 26, 2015

Today is Violet's two month birthday. Her momma posted photos and video of her smiling and laughing. She doesn't make a laughing sound yet, but her smile moves her entire body like a belly laugh does. Yes, this Gran is very proud and much in love. Truly I wish I could see her each and every day.

Went to Mom's after work to fill her medicine planner and visit a bit. She was at supper when I arrived. The 3 or 4 men that live there all sit together at meals. Seems Georgie wanted to sit with on of these lads, but was shown a different table. One of the staff tells me later that she's had a shine on this one and says he is her husband. This happens with dementia. She never called me by name today. However, when I left the table to get more sweet tea I overheard her tell the ladies at her table that I am her oldest daughter.  She needed her hair washed and I spoke with one of the staff. Seems she isn't very agreeable to having her hair done. Once supper was done I told her she had a hair appointment. It didn't take too much convincing and she was so happy to have her head scrubbed and massaged. Her hair is as long or longer than mine.

My biggest wish is for all of us to all be together and have a photo made; Violet, Heather, Amber, Georgie and me. Mom's not met her yet and she won't remember, but I want her to see her great-granddaughter. 

I miss my Mom. So many times a week I want to call and talk with her, tell her something that's happening. Those days are gone. But I have wonderful memories.

Family and friends are such wonderful treasures. I'm very grateful for mine.

Happy (two month) birthday, Miss Violet!!!

   

Memorial Day Weekend '15

Been having wanderlust for months but wanted to be close with grandbaby #1 on the way. She came end of March. 

Weather and life has prevented me from seriously gettng any fitness. First foot injury then wet trails and more flare-ups blah blah blah. 

Drove to Pisgah hoping to camp at Davidson River but they were full to the brim Friday evenin. So I found an almost empty parking lot and have stayed there this weekend, when I'm not doing other things. 

Went up Star Gap and half of Heartbreak ridge yesterday. Coming back down was fun but scary in a couple places. 

Today I rode up Thrift Cove to Black Mountain and then up Black Mtn to almost Pressley Gap. 2+ hours to push my bike with some riding. Then ~18 minutes to ride down! 

My bike and I have hiked quite a bit this weekend. I did achieve a couple of PRs which is Alway nice. 

Unsure about tomorrow as another flareup has been looming since Thursday. 

I have missed spending time with nature and this weekend has helped and healed some. Last fall and winter was hard for me in very many ways. I am grateful for all of it and ready for this next period of time. 

I sincerely hope everyone has had good happy times. 

Peace and love 

One way my mind has changed

I used to think hate should be eradicated from all of our lives. But after living and learning and realizing more and more this would never work. There is a balance. Some call it yin/yang. We must have dark to have light, sadness for happiness, hate in order for love to exist. Do I wish there was someway? Of course, but that is my ego. 

I witness hate day in and day out. People making fun of others, calling names and worse. I am not free from this. Even though I do not hate any person or persons I know I get angry and hate situations and even some of my own feelings about things.

Today is a day like any other for many. For some it is a day for love and forgiveness. I wish all days were days for love and forgiveness. 

much love to you and much peace.

So close to Spring we can almost taste it!

Hahaha! A few glorious days and almost everyone is smiling. What a pleasant change it is from all the frowning and whining and complaining these last weeks. 

I rode my bicycle today. Outside. Wearing regular bike shoes (not boots) and shorts and 3/4 length sleeves. Last I rode my bike was on the trainer on Feb 21 and last I rode outside was Feb 4th. Since injuring my foot I haven't done much at all except for hot yoga Sunday before last. The foot has to heal. Today was a test. Easy peasy ride, though I'm wheezing like I raced Cyclocross. I'm hoping that I make it through the night with no aches. Last week has seen it hurting like a bad toothache. Enough about that. Life has it's way. I truly wanted to race the Mini. If the foot seems ok maybe I'll settle for run/walking with mostly walk. Else I will give my entry to someone that really wants to race it but can't afford the entry fee.

While riding today I thought of all kinds of things. Too many serious thoughts. Each time I began to complain in my head about the thoughtless driver or clueless walkers on Big 4 or all of the people with so much perfume/cologne on I corrected myself. Turned those thoughts around. I don't know what is going on with the driver that did ....   The people out walking I cheered. They were outside soaking in rays and fresh air! People want to be attractive and smell nice (I'm sure I've overdone the perfume a time or two). These are just a few examples. It's so easy to criticize. It's so easy to complain.

Life is short. Yesterday I was reminded of the few days I have left. If I live to my 80th birthday I have about 8,500 days left.  Sorry, but that doesn't sound like many to me. So I have lots to contemplate. My mother is deteriorating more than I want to admit. I have some lapses of short term memory. I think I always have and make excuses like I'm just not present or mindful. While I hope that is the case I wonder if I will end up like my Mom and my Aunt Jewell. So I think about these things and think I need to try and plan ahead. It makes me sad that Mom won't really know Violet when she arrives. So much ( a whole damned lot) is out of our control. 

So I go back to Love being the answer. Love your friends. Love those that may not love you. Love those angry about things that probably never happened. Love yourself and be gentle with yourself. You are a beautiful being and deserve so much in this life. Love your critics. Love your enemies, if they exist. 

Well, that's all I have for now. 

peace and love to each and everyone of you 
  

Cycle of life

My Aunt Charlene was celebrated today. It truly was a celebration and not all of the bible thumping that usually happens. So many people shared memories and stories. She always said I should've been her daughter as I favored her complexion etc. I could only hope to live up to her funny and optimistic outlook on life. As my remaining days grow shorter and as I contemplate this life I've lived I am mostly happy with how it's gone so far. Can't say it's been perfect, but that would be boring. Definitely have made many mistakes along the way, but that's why I'm here. We are here to learn and grow, correct? 

When I die I can only hope that family and friends stand up and share such nice and wonderful memories as everyone did today.

A photo of Charlene: 

Mom is a little bit older than Aunt Charlene. I know her days are numbered. It is sad to see a generation leave. abut this is life and a new generation is being born and ready to fill our shoes. 

So much left to think and ponder on. Excited for my first grandchild to arrive. It won't be long now. A photo of my Heather from Sunday evening. Violet is almost ready to make an appearance. 

Much love to my cousins. Peace and love to all of you. 

damned ego

I want so badly to tell it like it is. Call people out. Set things straight. But that's my inferiors whispering in my ear. I should remain calm and quiet and let things happen as they will. I should not concern myself with what people say or how they feel about me.

The last few weeks have been happy. Putting the ego aside and just enjoying the current moments. Those moments aren't all easy. Sometimes a struggle or hard times can still be happy. Working through physical pain. Working through jealousy. 

I am almost 57 years old. Haven't been asked out on a date in well over 5 years. For a long time I wondered what is wrong with me. But that's the wrong thing to ask. Nothing wrong with me. There's just no one interested for now. That's ok.  It's like being a grandparent, not for me to decide. Sometimes just realizing that makes it easier to swallow.

I called Mom today. I miss talking with her everyday. But she has a terrible time understanding some words or phrases. It's not a real conversation at all anymore. She seems to be content, happy most times. 

Violet should be arriving within the month now. I'm so anxious to meet her. See her face and hold her close. All in good time.

I hope everyone is making the best of this winter. It finally arrived in Louisville. February is notorious for being the harshest month. Sure does make Springtime all the sweeter.

peace.

Trying to get consistent

with training but always obstacles. The Creative likes to make life zig and zag that way. I have a friend that is a sports massage therapist. He's been a fitness nut for a long time and loves to cycle, run and race triathlons. I've been seeing him for a while now, since before I started to run for sports massage. After I ran/walked 4 miles on Saturday my left foot started really hurting. I took Sunday off and had a massage session with him. Then ran the treadmill after work on Monday, taking his advice and running more (4 minutes) and walking less (1 minute). It seemed to go fine. Then Tuesday morning I couldn't put any weight on my left foot.OWIE text messages and asking friends for advice had me looking for and finally finding a golf ball to do some intense rolling out of the ball of my foot. I rode the trainer for a good effort of 1x intervals. Wednesday I got home and went for a run in the 'hood. Man, the foot still was killing me. I pushed through for 1.3 miles around a few blocks and just couldn't take it. More rolling and ice. Today he met me after work and watched me run, looked at the shoes I had and said I am wearing the wrong shoe. I am flat footed and pronate badly. "crushing what semblance of arches I have". I'm grateful he took time out to come and coach me about this issue. Tomorrow after work will be new shoes. Then the week ahead will help me determine if I should sign up for the triple crown to aid my training for the mini. 

Will just have to be patient and see how life unfolds. I've spent too much time thinking things like the universe doesn't want me to run/ride/get fit, blah blah blah. Spending time with now. Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow isn't here. Hope the shoes help alleviate the foot issue and knee and hip pain. Maybe I am too old to start this stuff, WHATEVAH! 

My motto: easy is forgettable, if it's hard to do then you will remember it. I remember plenty of hard things and am so grateful for them. 

If you aren't exercising please start. Being sedentary is detrimental to your health and mental well being.

love to all
peace

February Full Moon

Sat with Mom during supper yesterday evenin'. It was definitely interesting to listens to the "conversations" taking place. Everyone talking and waiting their turn but not really having a conversation.  They all have their own that's going on in their mind. But is was nice to see everyone talking and were pleasant with each other. Mom really has no idea what year it is or that Dad or Mammaw have been dead for many years. Her eyesight is much worse. I mentioned the fireplace looking cozy in the corner and she said she couldn't see it. She was walking the halls when I got there with her purse on her shoulder. I'm confident we moved her at the rights times both times. I feel she is where she needs to be for now. 

Today is a full moon, February at that. 

A time for new year, new beginnings, letting go, new adventures to seek, new friendships to make, and maybe some goals to achieve. 

I took yesterday off from any workouts. Probably should've ridden trainer, but my legs were very tired. I got home from work and had an hour on phone with tech support for my PC and almost called off my workout. But I got my things and went to the gym and ran 3.1 miles in 35 minutes. It was hard. I ran 2 minutes and walked 1 minute the entire time. The first 15 minutes (run only) was at 10 minute pace and the remainder was about 9:35 pace I think. Kept thinking the entire time how hard this will be outside with no machine to keep me running at pace. Time to figure out the Garmin and get a strap to attach to my arm I reckon. 

February is typically the coldest and harshest month here in the KY. After this weekend I'm planning on a weekend away. Hope Mother Nature complies. haha

peace and love for all 

Another move, hopefully the last

Last week the former place required we have someone sit with Mom from 2:30-5 each day stating her sundowners was most prevalent at that time. My siblings and I took turns up until Friday when we moved her to the Memory care home. She never displayed any signs of sundowners that we could tell. Now she can walk all day if she wants. They have lots of activities and movies. The residents seem alert and lively even with their memory issues and dementia. She seems to be content here. I hope this remains so. 

Hoping this is the last move for her. These moves aren't so easy on her but also take a toll on us, taking time off work and securing movers and continued downsizing her belongings We will have to watch her funds closely though. None of these homes are inexpensive. We are fortunate that she has the income she does. I won't have that kind of income upon my retirement, this I know and I can't think too much about it. 

Family first. I love my Mom dearly. 

Training has finally begun, somewhat. One of the reasons I've started running is to drop weight. Another is I want to remain and continue to be healthy. I know that exercise and good eating are important for a longer healthier life. It's also important to keep the brain healthy as well. I do however realize the future is unknown and much is out of my control so I just go with it. 

This running is hard for me as I've not really run since high school. I did the couch to 5k in 2008 after quitting smoking. That was hard but I did it with a friend. I've preferred riding my bikes since then. Now that mom is settled and I have my van back (another long story) I hope to get back on the bike more consistently. However, yesterday I signed up for the mini-marathon which is in late April so will work to keep improving distance on the run. Surely this will help me with endurance on the bike and drop some weight so climbing those hills on the MTB  isn't quite so bad as it is now.  I ran the treadmill at work today. I've been doing a run 1 minute/walk 1 minute routine. Today I did 5.25 miles in an hour. Funny how I talk to myself while running. Deciding not to decide my total workout time until I'm into it. Telling myself how easy it is to keep the different paces on the treadmill, but that it will be harder outdoors.  My asthma meds got here week before last and using them has definitely helped my breathing while running. I hope to try to get outdoors soon, but cold air is especially difficult.

I realize most people already have their races picked out and a schedule made. Most years I have too by now, but this year has had so many questions I haven't. Grandchild number one is due next month. I'm excited and anxious. Should be a wonderful and joyful addition to our small family though.

Lots of changes over the last months to be sure and life continues to change and evolve as it does. Many of these make me sad, but tomorrow is a new day with it's own challenges and blessings to experience. 

Hope everyone's January was good and all the best for a fabulous February!

peace 

more rambling thoughts

We moved Mom recently to a personal care facility. She was evaluated by the owner in advance and didn't seem to be any issues. Thirty six hours after she was there the owner started calling, saying we needed to medicate her. This has been a theme almost daily now for 2 weeks. We are visiting a new place Thursday. One that is supposed to be better equipped to handle clients with dementia. Last night I cried for the first time in years. I questioned if what we've done is the right thing. But I know we are doing what we believe to be in Mom's best interest. She needs to be safe. I have thought about moving her in with me and having full time caretakers brought in, but I don't know it that is cost effective or feasible given my house. Then I start to feel guilty for not wanting to give up my personal time after work hours. I don't know. I'll do what is necessary at the end of the day. Family and friends come first. 

we've had a few glorious days of sunshine and warmer temps. I've tried to take advantage best I could.  I hope everyone else has too.

peace to all of you

Back to our not so regular topics

First, my Sis went to Mom's today and she was much better with no rasping/wheezing from her chest. No hospital yesssss! 

Didn't workout yesterday so I got on the trainer this morning for a 30 minute kickstart. Had big intentions of a 30-40 minute run after work on the treadmill. I got there before my favorite one was taken and I changed to TV to food network (last two times was Fox News and my BP went sky high) Yay me! Well I got in 30 minutes but it was walking due to another asthma attack. 

I need to start recording when I take my long lasting inhaler. I've not been taking it very often. Maybe 3 times a week. Today and a couple of run attempts ago I warm up and run for 5 minutes then the hr goes sky high along with the breaking rate and get into distress. I hoped I could wean myself off but with life stresses I believe that's a pipedream.  I'm also trying to be frugal. Since insurance has changed so much I have to pay full price for prescriptions until my $1,500 deductible is met. Long lasting inhalers run $300 a month and a 3 month minimum through mail order.  (that's for twice a day dosage) so....

Maybe I'll have to bite the bullett and do it. I need to drop major pounds and I know running will do that. I want to enjoy running. Not sure that is a realistic goal. 

I'm so ready to ride dirt again. I can't travel to do it until the van is fixed and that's end of month. There's a trail day at OBW on Sunday. I will probably go there and work. Can't get the bike on the rental car so there's that. 

 

If you know of any new Enduro races please let me know!!!

Enough of my rambling about me.

I have many friends who have lost loved ones recently and there are more with parents that are deteriorating too quickly. Please send loving vibes for them. 

peace and love

Aging parents

We've moved Mom from "independent" living to a personal care home. It's been quite stressful for her getting used to a new place. It's also been difficult downsizing from a one bedroom apartment to a bedroom. She had a UTI just before Christmas, but thankfully that has cleared.

Last week she complained of stomach pain and I took her to urgent care. She had chest congestion and Dr said a touch  of diverticulitis so gaveher two   antibiotics. She had a follow up today with her pcp. She keeps dozing off. Has terrible cough deep in chest. Dr did x-ray then ordered CT scan as she suspects pneumonia. 

Any infection in older people can cause odd behavior and if already suffering from dementia that can be increased. 

She was given 16 oz of fluid to drink. I assume was for contrast. Well that was a long and drawn out ordeal. Thirty plus minutes of begging and cajoling her to keep drinking it. I finally asked one of the staff to come and talk to her. 

I realized that Mom doesn't understand/know about motion activated appliances such as water spigots and paper towel dispensers. The changes that we experience and take for granted everyday can be huge puzzles for our older generations 

I'm never sure what decade she is living in. However I believe most of the time it's before the 90s. 

Sitting here waiting for Dr to call with CT results. May need to admit her at hospital may not. It's a waiting game. 

Says not pneumonia and no admittance tonight. Yay  

randomness

not a resolution, but need to drop weight as i am obese at this point according to the authorities on that subject and the fact my clothes are too damned tight and too vain to spend $ on bigger sizes.so I am running the dreadmill at the gym at work because I can't run outside in these frigid temps and get asthma except i ran at the gym and got asthma so there's that.  on top of that it seems i never learned to relate properly to others and so i've been unfriended blocked shunned on every social media site there is etc however i've been told it's not a conspiracy but i beg to differ on that point  i want what i cannot have  why do i keep wanting it  must be a character defect is all i can say  went to mom's appt today from 10 - 5:30  and packed and moved more of her stuff Please people purge your stuff so your kids  or whoever won't have to deal with it  Yeah that's a pipedream  I have lots of those. seriously i don't want to go back to her old place again  i'm over it  i'm mentally and emotionally exhausted  so many things and memories and this is the third time we've done this  it doesn't get easier  just sayin'  so now i have some of her things here  and that's cool for now
i talk too much and I say what's on my mind and people get nervous or think i've cornering them but that is not what i intend and so the people i most care about i wind up alienating and there you go
blah blah blah
peace out dudes

She's moved

What a surreal day it's been. My Sis and I arrived about the same time. Mom had gotten up late and was still getting dressed for the day. I asked her to sit down and explained what was going to happen. She immediately said she wasn't going. Then I said the Forum told us she couldn't stay any longer. After a few seconds she relaxed a bit and said "it will be what it will be". Of course we had that conversation several times today.

I got her to the new home just in time for dinner (lunch, Mom calls that dinner). She immediately sat down and enjoyed the other's company at the table. The owner said it might be best if I leave, so I left to go back and help my Sis with readying things for the movers. Good thing I did. There was lots to be done even though we were only going to move a small percentage of her belongings. The movers called before I got there and said they finished the first move early. My Sis said she was not ready and wouldn't be until 2. Good thing, because that was right when we had things ready. 

Much more I could write, but I'm weary and overwhelmed with today's and yesterday's events. Maybe tomorrow. But Sunday I go back to her old place to do some laundry and meet any of her grandkids that want to come and look to see ifthere is any of her remaining things they would like. Then I will pack up what I will take and I guess we will call a charity to come take the rest. The longer it stays there the more rent we have to pay. So much money. It's expensive to get old and feeble. Makes me not want to.

End of the day Love will always be the answer. I'm finding solace in some poetry and fresh air.

peace and love to all of you

New Year's Day 2015

Not sure where to begin or what to say. '14 started out with so much hope and fun and travel and friendship and building new friendships. then it changed. and it wasn't so fun and friendships waned. This is life. I am grateful for all the experiences and lessons. Someday I may understand most of it, or not.

Today I rode my MTB for the first time in forever it seems. Dec. 14th to be exact. But it's been so sporadic before that. Today felt so good. Started out very cold and it was after noon, about 12:15. The trail was good except for a notorious place that was just wet with drainage. Another spot had some freeze/thaw, but most of the trail is protected with good leaf cover and shade and was good. I was slow. But I wasn't worried about that. The sun shone so brightly. It felt good on my face. I wonder how much vitamin D production takes place when only the cheeks are exposed.  :-)

Tomorrow we move Mom to a new place.  She doesn't know yet. I have tried to not think much about it and divert my thoughts as much as possible. Wonder if I'll sleep tonight. It will be what it will be. She will be in a safer place, with more personal care. I have thought about having her live with me, but I'm not home enough with work (not to mention bike riding and other activities). Life is complicated.  

Sending my best of vibes and wishes to all for a happy, healthy, loving, peaceful and memorable 2015.

peace to all