05 April, 2015

One way my mind has changed

I used to think hate should be eradicated from all of our lives. But after living and learning and realizing more and more this would never work. There is a balance. Some call it yin/yang. We must have dark to have light, sadness for happiness, hate in order for love to exist. Do I wish there was someway? Of course, but that is my ego. 

I witness hate day in and day out. People making fun of others, calling names and worse. I am not free from this. Even though I do not hate any person or persons I know I get angry and hate situations and even some of my own feelings about things.

Today is a day like any other for many. For some it is a day for love and forgiveness. I wish all days were days for love and forgiveness. 

much love to you and much peace.

11 March, 2015

So close to Spring we can almost taste it!

Hahaha! A few glorious days and almost everyone is smiling. What a pleasant change it is from all the frowning and whining and complaining these last weeks. 

I rode my bicycle today. Outside. Wearing regular bike shoes (not boots) and shorts and 3/4 length sleeves. Last I rode my bike was on the trainer on Feb 21 and last I rode outside was Feb 4th. Since injuring my foot I haven't done much at all except for hot yoga Sunday before last. The foot has to heal. Today was a test. Easy peasy ride, though I'm wheezing like I raced Cyclocross. I'm hoping that I make it through the night with no aches. Last week has seen it hurting like a bad toothache. Enough about that. Life has it's way. I truly wanted to race the Mini. If the foot seems ok maybe I'll settle for run/walking with mostly walk. Else I will give my entry to someone that really wants to race it but can't afford the entry fee.

While riding today I thought of all kinds of things. Too many serious thoughts. Each time I began to complain in my head about the thoughtless driver or clueless walkers on Big 4 or all of the people with so much perfume/cologne on I corrected myself. Turned those thoughts around. I don't know what is going on with the driver that did ....   The people out walking I cheered. They were outside soaking in rays and fresh air! People want to be attractive and smell nice (I'm sure I've overdone the perfume a time or two). These are just a few examples. It's so easy to criticize. It's so easy to complain.

Life is short. Yesterday I was reminded of the few days I have left. If I live to my 80th birthday I have about 8,500 days left.  Sorry, but that doesn't sound like many to me. So I have lots to contemplate. My mother is deteriorating more than I want to admit. I have some lapses of short term memory. I think I always have and make excuses like I'm just not present or mindful. While I hope that is the case I wonder if I will end up like my Mom and my Aunt Jewell. So I think about these things and think I need to try and plan ahead. It makes me sad that Mom won't really know Violet when she arrives. So much ( a whole damned lot) is out of our control. 

So I go back to Love being the answer. Love your friends. Love those that may not love you. Love those angry about things that probably never happened. Love yourself and be gentle with yourself. You are a beautiful being and deserve so much in this life. Love your critics. Love your enemies, if they exist. 

Well, that's all I have for now. 

peace and love to each and everyone of you 

10 March, 2015

Cycle of life

My Aunt Charlene was celebrated today. It truly was a celebration and not all of the bible thumping that usually happens. So many people shared memories and stories. She always said I should've been her daughter as I favored her complexion etc. I could only hope to live up to her funny and optimistic outlook on life. As my remaining days grow shorter and as I contemplate this life I've lived I am mostly happy with how it's gone so far. Can't say it's been perfect, but that would be boring. Definitely have made many mistakes along the way, but that's why I'm here. We are here to learn and grow, correct? 
When I die I can only hope that family and friends stand up and share such nice and wonderful memories as everyone did today.
A photo of Charlene: 

Mom is a little bit older than Aunt Charlene. I know her days are numbered. It is sad to see a generation leave. abut this is life and a new generation is being born and ready to fill our shoes. 

So much left to think and ponder on. Excited for my first grandchild to arrive. It won't be long now. A photo of my Heather from Sunday evening. Violet is almost ready to make an appearance. 

Much love to my cousins. Peace and love to all of you. 

20 February, 2015

damned ego

I want so badly to tell it like it is. Call people out. Set things straight. But that's my inferiors whispering in my ear. I should remain calm and quiet and let things happen as they will. I should not concern myself with what people say or how they feel about me.

The last few weeks have been happy. Putting the ego aside and just enjoying the current moments. Those moments aren't all easy. Sometimes a struggle or hard times can still be happy. Working through physical pain. Working through jealousy. 

I am almost 57 years old. Haven't been asked out on a date in well over 5 years. For a long time I wondered what is wrong with me. But that's the wrong thing to ask. Nothing wrong with me. There's just no one interested for now. That's ok.  It's like being a grandparent, not for me to decide. Sometimes just realizing that makes it easier to swallow.

I called Mom today. I miss talking with her everyday. But she has a terrible time understanding some words or phrases. It's not a real conversation at all anymore. She seems to be content, happy most times. 

Violet should be arriving within the month now. I'm so anxious to meet her. See her face and hold her close. All in good time.

I hope everyone is making the best of this winter. It finally arrived in Louisville. February is notorious for being the harshest month. Sure does make Springtime all the sweeter.


12 February, 2015

Trying to get consistent

with training but always obstacles. The Creative likes to make life zig and zag that way. I have a friend that is a sports massage therapist. He's been a fitness nut for a long time and loves to cycle, run and race triathlons. I've been seeing him for a while now, since before I started to run for sports massage. After I ran/walked 4 miles on Saturday my left foot started really hurting. I took Sunday off and had a massage session with him. Then ran the treadmill after work on Monday, taking his advice and running more (4 minutes) and walking less (1 minute). It seemed to go fine. Then Tuesday morning I couldn't put any weight on my left foot.OWIE text messages and asking friends for advice had me looking for and finally finding a golf ball to do some intense rolling out of the ball of my foot. I rode the trainer for a good effort of 1x intervals. Wednesday I got home and went for a run in the 'hood. Man, the foot still was killing me. I pushed through for 1.3 miles around a few blocks and just couldn't take it. More rolling and ice. Today he met me after work and watched me run, looked at the shoes I had and said I am wearing the wrong shoe. I am flat footed and pronate badly. "crushing what semblance of arches I have". I'm grateful he took time out to come and coach me about this issue. Tomorrow after work will be new shoes. Then the week ahead will help me determine if I should sign up for the triple crown to aid my training for the mini. 

Will just have to be patient and see how life unfolds. I've spent too much time thinking things like the universe doesn't want me to run/ride/get fit, blah blah blah. Spending time with now. Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow isn't here. Hope the shoes help alleviate the foot issue and knee and hip pain. Maybe I am too old to start this stuff, WHATEVAH! 

My motto: easy is forgettable, if it's hard to do then you will remember it. I remember plenty of hard things and am so grateful for them. 

If you aren't exercising please start. Being sedentary is detrimental to your health and mental well being.

love to all

03 February, 2015

February Full Moon

Sat with Mom during supper yesterday evenin'. It was definitely interesting to listens to the "conversations" taking place. Everyone talking and waiting their turn but not really having a conversation.  They all have their own that's going on in their mind. But is was nice to see everyone talking and were pleasant with each other. Mom really has no idea what year it is or that Dad or Mammaw have been dead for many years. Her eyesight is much worse. I mentioned the fireplace looking cozy in the corner and she said she couldn't see it. She was walking the halls when I got there with her purse on her shoulder. I'm confident we moved her at the rights times both times. I feel she is where she needs to be for now. 

Today is a full moon, February at that. 

A time for new year, new beginnings, letting go, new adventures to seek, new friendships to make, and maybe some goals to achieve. 

I took yesterday off from any workouts. Probably should've ridden trainer, but my legs were very tired. I got home from work and had an hour on phone with tech support for my PC and almost called off my workout. But I got my things and went to the gym and ran 3.1 miles in 35 minutes. It was hard. I ran 2 minutes and walked 1 minute the entire time. The first 15 minutes (run only) was at 10 minute pace and the remainder was about 9:35 pace I think. Kept thinking the entire time how hard this will be outside with no machine to keep me running at pace. Time to figure out the Garmin and get a strap to attach to my arm I reckon. 

February is typically the coldest and harshest month here in the KY. After this weekend I'm planning on a weekend away. Hope Mother Nature complies. haha

peace and love for all 

01 February, 2015

Another move, hopefully the last

Last week the former place required we have someone sit with Mom from 2:30-5 each day stating her sundowners was most prevalent at that time. My siblings and I took turns up until Friday when we moved her to the Memory care home. She never displayed any signs of sundowners that we could tell. Now she can walk all day if she wants. They have lots of activities and movies. The residents seem alert and lively even with their memory issues and dementia. She seems to be content here. I hope this remains so. 

Hoping this is the last move for her. These moves aren't so easy on her but also take a toll on us, taking time off work and securing movers and continued downsizing her belongings We will have to watch her funds closely though. None of these homes are inexpensive. We are fortunate that she has the income she does. I won't have that kind of income upon my retirement, this I know and I can't think too much about it. 

Family first. I love my Mom dearly. 

Training has finally begun, somewhat. One of the reasons I've started running is to drop weight. Another is I want to remain and continue to be healthy. I know that exercise and good eating are important for a longer healthier life. It's also important to keep the brain healthy as well. I do however realize the future is unknown and much is out of my control so I just go with it. 

This running is hard for me as I've not really run since high school. I did the couch to 5k in 2008 after quitting smoking. That was hard but I did it with a friend. I've preferred riding my bikes since then. Now that mom is settled and I have my van back (another long story) I hope to get back on the bike more consistently. However, yesterday I signed up for the mini-marathon which is in late April so will work to keep improving distance on the run. Surely this will help me with endurance on the bike and drop some weight so climbing those hills on the MTB  isn't quite so bad as it is now.  I ran the treadmill at work today. I've been doing a run 1 minute/walk 1 minute routine. Today I did 5.25 miles in an hour. Funny how I talk to myself while running. Deciding not to decide my total workout time until I'm into it. Telling myself how easy it is to keep the different paces on the treadmill, but that it will be harder outdoors.  My asthma meds got here week before last and using them has definitely helped my breathing while running. I hope to try to get outdoors soon, but cold air is especially difficult.

I realize most people already have their races picked out and a schedule made. Most years I have too by now, but this year has had so many questions I haven't. Grandchild number one is due next month. I'm excited and anxious. Should be a wonderful and joyful addition to our small family though.

Lots of changes over the last months to be sure and life continues to change and evolve as it does. Many of these make me sad, but tomorrow is a new day with it's own challenges and blessings to experience. 

Hope everyone's January was good and all the best for a fabulous February!