down my cheeks. They come from nowhere some days. Seems there's no rhyme or reason. But then at times there's plenty of reason.
Today I was reminded about a film showing tomorrow at UofL. It's about an underground abortion service in Chicago before it became legal. As I was rereading the synopsis I noticed one of the attendees posted a link to their blog. She writes about her experiences as an escort for clients visiting the clinic here in town. It's difficult to read about people getting up into someone's face and calling them names as they walk to the clinic. These women have made some very difficult decisions in their lives. It bothers me to hear people call others names and berate them, judge them. So many are full of so much hate. We need more love and kindness in this world.
I am struggling with other things. Me mostly. I have friends. I have acquaintences. I don't know how to go about meeting more people. It seems at times that I am not as socially skilled as I once thought.I am too needy.
How does one go about this dating thing? 'cause I have messed it up plenty. just can't seem to go slow enough. be quiet long enough. but then I approach all people in the same manner, doesn't matter if we've dated or just friends. I email or text, ask questions make commentary. Wear people out or down or both. How do I find patience? How can I be satisfied with just me? I feel so turbulent inside sometimes. Like a pot of boiling water and can't turn down the heat and before you know it it's exhausted and empty. Is this my hormones? Is this from the Chantix? or is this just a character flaw that I've had since the beginning of time? Is it the cloudy days and lack of riding out doors? I don't know
I want to laugh and smile enough to balance the tears.
03 December, 2009
02 December, 2009
It was right there
within reach. I just wanted to hold hands or touch an arm. It was a great day and a new adventure for me. I knew I shouldn't, so I didn't. A while back I was told to get over it. Think I have and then I haven't.
Such a newbie. Making all kinds of mistakes, for sure. Trying to learn. It's not easy. shit
Such a newbie. Making all kinds of mistakes, for sure. Trying to learn. It's not easy. shit
30 November, 2009
after Thanksgiving and my first CX race
preface - apologies for it being so long! I am not known for my brevity. That's another lesson I could learn from B2
First, let me say that I went back and forth about buying a bike for cyclocross. Many times. As you know I had borrowed one so I could work on skilz and drilz. It's a nice bike, but coming in at 25 or more pounds is heavier than I wanted to invest in. So I worked with a couple of local bike shops, inquiring price, components, weight, financing, etc. Friday I bought a red and white Van Dessel Hole Shot, 12 months same as cash, good price and nice bike.
So, I rode it Friday for a short 40 minutes as the sun was setting too quickly to stay out longer. A very few mounts/dismounts and runups. Then, not knowing what to expect I rode it 30 miles with the club on Saturday morning. Now, it was 38F at the ride start and I wasn't sure how my asthma would do except when I rode Thanksgiving morning with fellow Rogues in cold temps I was fine. Cross bikes have fat tires that are somewhat knobby, not heavy duty like mountain bike tires though. The chain rings are more compact at 46/36, so you wind up spinning much more than on a road bike with a 51 or larger ring. I tried to take this ride easy, not sure if that worked for or against me for race day.
Sunday I got up @4am, dressed, ate and put the bike on the car. Drove to a friend's place, moved my gear to his car and left for Dayton about 5:45. He hadn't slept much at all. Despite that we had a very nice 2.5 hour drive. We arrived an hour before my race start. As we pulled into the park my stomach started feeling weird and I muttered a few things. B2 said, "just calm down". Exactly what I needed, firm yet level headedness. Went to register, but they weren't ready to register people. So we went back to the car and changed. Funny, 2 people of opposite gender in the front seat under beach towels, changing clothes. Humor is important when you are a nervous wreck with race jitters! Pump up the tires, take off the tool bag, check list...
We prerode the course, we had about 35 minutes til my race start. I reached a technical section and wasn't looking ahead, where I should be going, but right in front of my front wheel. Couldn't turn sharp enough and pedal or unclip so I fell. Embarrassed, but up and keep going. I sell a second time on a technical part. The whole preride I kept thinking, this is a long course. It had everything, off camber portions, single track, double track, 180 degree turns around trees and boulders, barriers and 2 DEEP sandpits. Preriding the course was good for me. I made the mistakes before race time. Not to say I didn't make mistakes during the race, but I didn't fall during the race.
It was about 42F and the race start was about 100 yards or so down the hill on pavement. I was warm from preriding, but not warm enough (wish I'd been on the trainer some too). Standing at the start, in the shade and a brisk breeze blowing was cooling me down too fast. There were about 30 women in the race, 12 in the 35+ master's race. I'm not aggressive enough and didn't line up where I should've. Gotta be smarter about that!
At the start I was able to pass quite a few by the time we got to the grass. The second technical turn found 2 women down right in front of me, but I managed to pedal past them somehow. My adrenaline kicked in and my heart raced and I tried to stay on a wheel in front once we hit the straight section. All was going fairly well until I got to the geasy muddy single track in the woods. First I attempt to pass this woman and she moved into me her rear wheel meeting my front wheel. I bounced off of her with no problems, but again I expended too much energy with that. A few minutes later we are going through a tight s-curve through 3 trees and my rear wheel fishtailed The racer behind me gasped. I lost some steam. After that once we hit the grass I thought everyone had passed me. I kept everyone in sight through 2 laps, but couldn't get enough power to bridge up. I decided I was going to ride and learn. I worked through my gears, tried to find a sweet spot for different sections. I was happy with the off camber, the sand pits and the barriers. I wasn't thrilled about my remounts from the barriers though. Just no fluidity of movement. It was great having B2 cheer for me as I came by (he was on his trainer). That helped me refocus on the race quite a bit. When I finished I was exhausted, but happy I finished and didn't fall. I stayed in the pedals the entire race except for the barriers and the last 2 feet of the 2nd sand pit on the last lap.
When I got finished the Cat 4 master's were already lined up at their start. I had no oxygen in my brain, but I knew I wanted to get pictures of Brians race, so I rode to the car and grabbed the camera and back to watch. I snapped a few but didn't catch him in any. I went to the sand pit and snapped a couple but was freezing and remember my jacket was at the start. As I rode past the parking lot Cooper yelled congrats and Christian said I finished 9th. I was like, no way. I kept going to get my jacket and rode back to check the finish. They were right! 9th out of 11 finishers with 1 DNF Ok, think. There were 3 laps to go so I changed into dry clothes and went back to watch the last 2 laps of Brian's race. I finally got a couple of decent pictures with him in the frames.
I started back on my Advair 2 weeks ago, one puff a day. Other than about 20 minutes of coughing after the race, I felt great. No wheezing! While I'd love to be drug free, I'm thinking that's a pipe dream. Between growing up with smokers and having smoked for 3.5 decades, I should be thankful I can ride and race my bike like I do.
I have great team mates and friends and family members. Yesterday was the best way for me to wrap up Thanksgiving weekend. I'm not sure I tell people enough throughout the year how thankful I am that they are part of my life. BUT please know this, I am so thankful you are. I love each one of you. You've given me good stuff.
First, let me say that I went back and forth about buying a bike for cyclocross. Many times. As you know I had borrowed one so I could work on skilz and drilz. It's a nice bike, but coming in at 25 or more pounds is heavier than I wanted to invest in. So I worked with a couple of local bike shops, inquiring price, components, weight, financing, etc. Friday I bought a red and white Van Dessel Hole Shot, 12 months same as cash, good price and nice bike.
So, I rode it Friday for a short 40 minutes as the sun was setting too quickly to stay out longer. A very few mounts/dismounts and runups. Then, not knowing what to expect I rode it 30 miles with the club on Saturday morning. Now, it was 38F at the ride start and I wasn't sure how my asthma would do except when I rode Thanksgiving morning with fellow Rogues in cold temps I was fine. Cross bikes have fat tires that are somewhat knobby, not heavy duty like mountain bike tires though. The chain rings are more compact at 46/36, so you wind up spinning much more than on a road bike with a 51 or larger ring. I tried to take this ride easy, not sure if that worked for or against me for race day.
Sunday I got up @4am, dressed, ate and put the bike on the car. Drove to a friend's place, moved my gear to his car and left for Dayton about 5:45. He hadn't slept much at all. Despite that we had a very nice 2.5 hour drive. We arrived an hour before my race start. As we pulled into the park my stomach started feeling weird and I muttered a few things. B2 said, "just calm down". Exactly what I needed, firm yet level headedness. Went to register, but they weren't ready to register people. So we went back to the car and changed. Funny, 2 people of opposite gender in the front seat under beach towels, changing clothes. Humor is important when you are a nervous wreck with race jitters! Pump up the tires, take off the tool bag, check list...
We prerode the course, we had about 35 minutes til my race start. I reached a technical section and wasn't looking ahead, where I should be going, but right in front of my front wheel. Couldn't turn sharp enough and pedal or unclip so I fell. Embarrassed, but up and keep going. I sell a second time on a technical part. The whole preride I kept thinking, this is a long course. It had everything, off camber portions, single track, double track, 180 degree turns around trees and boulders, barriers and 2 DEEP sandpits. Preriding the course was good for me. I made the mistakes before race time. Not to say I didn't make mistakes during the race, but I didn't fall during the race.
It was about 42F and the race start was about 100 yards or so down the hill on pavement. I was warm from preriding, but not warm enough (wish I'd been on the trainer some too). Standing at the start, in the shade and a brisk breeze blowing was cooling me down too fast. There were about 30 women in the race, 12 in the 35+ master's race. I'm not aggressive enough and didn't line up where I should've. Gotta be smarter about that!
At the start I was able to pass quite a few by the time we got to the grass. The second technical turn found 2 women down right in front of me, but I managed to pedal past them somehow. My adrenaline kicked in and my heart raced and I tried to stay on a wheel in front once we hit the straight section. All was going fairly well until I got to the geasy muddy single track in the woods. First I attempt to pass this woman and she moved into me her rear wheel meeting my front wheel. I bounced off of her with no problems, but again I expended too much energy with that. A few minutes later we are going through a tight s-curve through 3 trees and my rear wheel fishtailed The racer behind me gasped. I lost some steam. After that once we hit the grass I thought everyone had passed me. I kept everyone in sight through 2 laps, but couldn't get enough power to bridge up. I decided I was going to ride and learn. I worked through my gears, tried to find a sweet spot for different sections. I was happy with the off camber, the sand pits and the barriers. I wasn't thrilled about my remounts from the barriers though. Just no fluidity of movement. It was great having B2 cheer for me as I came by (he was on his trainer). That helped me refocus on the race quite a bit. When I finished I was exhausted, but happy I finished and didn't fall. I stayed in the pedals the entire race except for the barriers and the last 2 feet of the 2nd sand pit on the last lap.
When I got finished the Cat 4 master's were already lined up at their start. I had no oxygen in my brain, but I knew I wanted to get pictures of Brians race, so I rode to the car and grabbed the camera and back to watch. I snapped a few but didn't catch him in any. I went to the sand pit and snapped a couple but was freezing and remember my jacket was at the start. As I rode past the parking lot Cooper yelled congrats and Christian said I finished 9th. I was like, no way. I kept going to get my jacket and rode back to check the finish. They were right! 9th out of 11 finishers with 1 DNF Ok, think. There were 3 laps to go so I changed into dry clothes and went back to watch the last 2 laps of Brian's race. I finally got a couple of decent pictures with him in the frames.
I started back on my Advair 2 weeks ago, one puff a day. Other than about 20 minutes of coughing after the race, I felt great. No wheezing! While I'd love to be drug free, I'm thinking that's a pipe dream. Between growing up with smokers and having smoked for 3.5 decades, I should be thankful I can ride and race my bike like I do.
I have great team mates and friends and family members. Yesterday was the best way for me to wrap up Thanksgiving weekend. I'm not sure I tell people enough throughout the year how thankful I am that they are part of my life. BUT please know this, I am so thankful you are. I love each one of you. You've given me good stuff.
26 November, 2009
Thanksgiving
I have so very much to be thankful for, too much to list. Always the standard things.
But right now am a big dolt, a weenie. stupid feeling all sorry for myself.
But right now am a big dolt, a weenie. stupid feeling all sorry for myself.
24 November, 2009
Stillness
is impossible for me. I keep trying, breathing, meditating. I think too much. Say too much.
I'm venturing out, last two Friday's or maybe three, solo date night. It's getting a little easier. Still feels awkward though.
I have some very good friends. But still no one I can say anything to uncensored. It would be nice to hold hands or have an arm around my shoulder.
I have 5 days off work, maybe I can find the stillness I require. Increase the love within and share it - get what you give, right?
I'm venturing out, last two Friday's or maybe three, solo date night. It's getting a little easier. Still feels awkward though.
I have some very good friends. But still no one I can say anything to uncensored. It would be nice to hold hands or have an arm around my shoulder.
I have 5 days off work, maybe I can find the stillness I require. Increase the love within and share it - get what you give, right?
21 November, 2009
The 4 Bs
Bikes, Bells, Beers, and Boys - not necessarily in that order
So, I borrowed the cross bike from DR's wife last weekend. I've been on it 3 or 4 times. Segal was kind enough to offer some guidance in drillz and skillz. He met me on Thursday and Friday.
Thursday we started with an "easy warm-up" lap. Okay, easy for him but took all I had to stay on his wheel and lost it a few times. Was good though. Told me how to gear, stay in drop, keep eyes on destination. I love the sand, even if I fall down.
Next was mount/dismount. Still having issues getting clipped in my shoes. Seems about the time I get in, it's time to dismount. I fell once trying to get back on the bike. Rammed my leg under the saddle instead of over and had my bodyweight committed to being over the bike. crunch! I laughed and laughed. Got back up and did some more. Then we went back on the course and did the barriers a few times. Segal showed me where to grab the bike to get it high enough to clear the ones @ RRCC. They are taller than most. Then we practiced the stair run-ups. forty minutes and I was wiped out.
Friday, I arrived before he did. I did a warm-up lap, to the best my memory allowed. I then went to mount/dismount practice. Still have issues clipping in. Took another spill. Segal had pulled in and saw me go down. Funny! We did a lap and I told him to go on. I was already winded. I did a couple of barriers and stairs and went for water. Next time I need to have air or a pump. That way I can ride on lower pressure which should help out a lot in cornering, etc. Just need to air them back up so I can ride home comfortably.
Today was race day #1 in Indianapolis. We couldn't stay for the women's race, 2 Rogues represented but I've not heard results. The 2 Brian's raced today and I rode with them. Not as good results as last week, it was a tough course and large field. But still respectable. Tomorrow we go back with a larger men's contingent.
My ass hurts! All this cross practice I must be using new muscles. When I got home today I jumped on the bike and rode for an hour and a half. Was good til I flatted about 4 blocks from home. No worries. The weather has been fantastic, so just pushed the bike home and enjoyed the walk.
So, I borrowed the cross bike from DR's wife last weekend. I've been on it 3 or 4 times. Segal was kind enough to offer some guidance in drillz and skillz. He met me on Thursday and Friday.
Thursday we started with an "easy warm-up" lap. Okay, easy for him but took all I had to stay on his wheel and lost it a few times. Was good though. Told me how to gear, stay in drop, keep eyes on destination. I love the sand, even if I fall down.
Next was mount/dismount. Still having issues getting clipped in my shoes. Seems about the time I get in, it's time to dismount. I fell once trying to get back on the bike. Rammed my leg under the saddle instead of over and had my bodyweight committed to being over the bike. crunch! I laughed and laughed. Got back up and did some more. Then we went back on the course and did the barriers a few times. Segal showed me where to grab the bike to get it high enough to clear the ones @ RRCC. They are taller than most. Then we practiced the stair run-ups. forty minutes and I was wiped out.
Friday, I arrived before he did. I did a warm-up lap, to the best my memory allowed. I then went to mount/dismount practice. Still have issues clipping in. Took another spill. Segal had pulled in and saw me go down. Funny! We did a lap and I told him to go on. I was already winded. I did a couple of barriers and stairs and went for water. Next time I need to have air or a pump. That way I can ride on lower pressure which should help out a lot in cornering, etc. Just need to air them back up so I can ride home comfortably.
Today was race day #1 in Indianapolis. We couldn't stay for the women's race, 2 Rogues represented but I've not heard results. The 2 Brian's raced today and I rode with them. Not as good results as last week, it was a tough course and large field. But still respectable. Tomorrow we go back with a larger men's contingent.
My ass hurts! All this cross practice I must be using new muscles. When I got home today I jumped on the bike and rode for an hour and a half. Was good til I flatted about 4 blocks from home. No worries. The weather has been fantastic, so just pushed the bike home and enjoyed the walk.
18 November, 2009
Quick, short trip to RRCC tonight.
Mostly just wanted to test pedals and feel the bike out. Pedals are definitely different, but not in a bad way. Still having issues getting clipped in on my left foot for some reason. By the time I got to the course it was 4:30 and everyone was on the course, except Catherine. She looks to be about 11. She asked to tagalong with me. Ha! I said it'd be best for me to tagalong with her, 'cause I don't know the course. She said only the fast kids showed up tonight and she's too slow to keep up with them. Yeah, well this old lady had all she wanted and more trying to hang with Catherine. We did the "regular loop". It was a little soggy and muddy. Nothing like getting mud spattered all over and sprayed in your face.
I have so much fitness to gain if I want to do this right. I started wheezing, but not horribly, once I got home. Since my asthma kicked in last week I started back on the Advair. I wonder if I'd have it if I'd never smoked. Doesn't matter really, I have it and I smoked for too long.
As daylight dwindled and people gathered to leave, Luke Haley asked me if I was at Columbus on Sunday. He said, "I heard you cheering for me, but didn't know who you were". So, I introduced myself and said he'll probably hear me yelling his name for some time to come. Nice young man that Luke. Those RedZone kids are great people.
So, I send this email to the Rogue crossers. They are trying to get me to race this weekend. LOL I told them I have no skills. I've never jumped a barrier and done any technical sharp turns. I can see myself talking down rows of tape or worse. That would be no way to represent the team! Give me the next two weeks. See if I can make time working on drills and skills. Then I'll DFL at STG.
I have so much fitness to gain if I want to do this right. I started wheezing, but not horribly, once I got home. Since my asthma kicked in last week I started back on the Advair. I wonder if I'd have it if I'd never smoked. Doesn't matter really, I have it and I smoked for too long.
As daylight dwindled and people gathered to leave, Luke Haley asked me if I was at Columbus on Sunday. He said, "I heard you cheering for me, but didn't know who you were". So, I introduced myself and said he'll probably hear me yelling his name for some time to come. Nice young man that Luke. Those RedZone kids are great people.
So, I send this email to the Rogue crossers. They are trying to get me to race this weekend. LOL I told them I have no skills. I've never jumped a barrier and done any technical sharp turns. I can see myself talking down rows of tape or worse. That would be no way to represent the team! Give me the next two weeks. See if I can make time working on drills and skills. Then I'll DFL at STG.
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