20 February, 2015

damned ego

I want so badly to tell it like it is. Call people out. Set things straight. But that's my inferiors whispering in my ear. I should remain calm and quiet and let things happen as they will. I should not concern myself with what people say or how they feel about me.

The last few weeks have been happy. Putting the ego aside and just enjoying the current moments. Those moments aren't all easy. Sometimes a struggle or hard times can still be happy. Working through physical pain. Working through jealousy. 

I am almost 57 years old. Haven't been asked out on a date in well over 5 years. For a long time I wondered what is wrong with me. But that's the wrong thing to ask. Nothing wrong with me. There's just no one interested for now. That's ok.  It's like being a grandparent, not for me to decide. Sometimes just realizing that makes it easier to swallow.

I called Mom today. I miss talking with her everyday. But she has a terrible time understanding some words or phrases. It's not a real conversation at all anymore. She seems to be content, happy most times. 

Violet should be arriving within the month now. I'm so anxious to meet her. See her face and hold her close. All in good time.

I hope everyone is making the best of this winter. It finally arrived in Louisville. February is notorious for being the harshest month. Sure does make Springtime all the sweeter.


12 February, 2015

Trying to get consistent

with training but always obstacles. The Creative likes to make life zig and zag that way. I have a friend that is a sports massage therapist. He's been a fitness nut for a long time and loves to cycle, run and race triathlons. I've been seeing him for a while now, since before I started to run for sports massage. After I ran/walked 4 miles on Saturday my left foot started really hurting. I took Sunday off and had a massage session with him. Then ran the treadmill after work on Monday, taking his advice and running more (4 minutes) and walking less (1 minute). It seemed to go fine. Then Tuesday morning I couldn't put any weight on my left foot.OWIE text messages and asking friends for advice had me looking for and finally finding a golf ball to do some intense rolling out of the ball of my foot. I rode the trainer for a good effort of 1x intervals. Wednesday I got home and went for a run in the 'hood. Man, the foot still was killing me. I pushed through for 1.3 miles around a few blocks and just couldn't take it. More rolling and ice. Today he met me after work and watched me run, looked at the shoes I had and said I am wearing the wrong shoe. I am flat footed and pronate badly. "crushing what semblance of arches I have". I'm grateful he took time out to come and coach me about this issue. Tomorrow after work will be new shoes. Then the week ahead will help me determine if I should sign up for the triple crown to aid my training for the mini. 

Will just have to be patient and see how life unfolds. I've spent too much time thinking things like the universe doesn't want me to run/ride/get fit, blah blah blah. Spending time with now. Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow isn't here. Hope the shoes help alleviate the foot issue and knee and hip pain. Maybe I am too old to start this stuff, WHATEVAH! 

My motto: easy is forgettable, if it's hard to do then you will remember it. I remember plenty of hard things and am so grateful for them. 

If you aren't exercising please start. Being sedentary is detrimental to your health and mental well being.

love to all

03 February, 2015

February Full Moon

Sat with Mom during supper yesterday evenin'. It was definitely interesting to listens to the "conversations" taking place. Everyone talking and waiting their turn but not really having a conversation.  They all have their own that's going on in their mind. But is was nice to see everyone talking and were pleasant with each other. Mom really has no idea what year it is or that Dad or Mammaw have been dead for many years. Her eyesight is much worse. I mentioned the fireplace looking cozy in the corner and she said she couldn't see it. She was walking the halls when I got there with her purse on her shoulder. I'm confident we moved her at the rights times both times. I feel she is where she needs to be for now. 

Today is a full moon, February at that. 

A time for new year, new beginnings, letting go, new adventures to seek, new friendships to make, and maybe some goals to achieve. 

I took yesterday off from any workouts. Probably should've ridden trainer, but my legs were very tired. I got home from work and had an hour on phone with tech support for my PC and almost called off my workout. But I got my things and went to the gym and ran 3.1 miles in 35 minutes. It was hard. I ran 2 minutes and walked 1 minute the entire time. The first 15 minutes (run only) was at 10 minute pace and the remainder was about 9:35 pace I think. Kept thinking the entire time how hard this will be outside with no machine to keep me running at pace. Time to figure out the Garmin and get a strap to attach to my arm I reckon. 

February is typically the coldest and harshest month here in the KY. After this weekend I'm planning on a weekend away. Hope Mother Nature complies. haha

peace and love for all 

01 February, 2015

Another move, hopefully the last

Last week the former place required we have someone sit with Mom from 2:30-5 each day stating her sundowners was most prevalent at that time. My siblings and I took turns up until Friday when we moved her to the Memory care home. She never displayed any signs of sundowners that we could tell. Now she can walk all day if she wants. They have lots of activities and movies. The residents seem alert and lively even with their memory issues and dementia. She seems to be content here. I hope this remains so. 

Hoping this is the last move for her. These moves aren't so easy on her but also take a toll on us, taking time off work and securing movers and continued downsizing her belongings We will have to watch her funds closely though. None of these homes are inexpensive. We are fortunate that she has the income she does. I won't have that kind of income upon my retirement, this I know and I can't think too much about it. 

Family first. I love my Mom dearly. 

Training has finally begun, somewhat. One of the reasons I've started running is to drop weight. Another is I want to remain and continue to be healthy. I know that exercise and good eating are important for a longer healthier life. It's also important to keep the brain healthy as well. I do however realize the future is unknown and much is out of my control so I just go with it. 

This running is hard for me as I've not really run since high school. I did the couch to 5k in 2008 after quitting smoking. That was hard but I did it with a friend. I've preferred riding my bikes since then. Now that mom is settled and I have my van back (another long story) I hope to get back on the bike more consistently. However, yesterday I signed up for the mini-marathon which is in late April so will work to keep improving distance on the run. Surely this will help me with endurance on the bike and drop some weight so climbing those hills on the MTB  isn't quite so bad as it is now.  I ran the treadmill at work today. I've been doing a run 1 minute/walk 1 minute routine. Today I did 5.25 miles in an hour. Funny how I talk to myself while running. Deciding not to decide my total workout time until I'm into it. Telling myself how easy it is to keep the different paces on the treadmill, but that it will be harder outdoors.  My asthma meds got here week before last and using them has definitely helped my breathing while running. I hope to try to get outdoors soon, but cold air is especially difficult.

I realize most people already have their races picked out and a schedule made. Most years I have too by now, but this year has had so many questions I haven't. Grandchild number one is due next month. I'm excited and anxious. Should be a wonderful and joyful addition to our small family though.

Lots of changes over the last months to be sure and life continues to change and evolve as it does. Many of these make me sad, but tomorrow is a new day with it's own challenges and blessings to experience. 

Hope everyone's January was good and all the best for a fabulous February!


20 January, 2015

more rambling thoughts

We moved Mom recently to a personal care facility. She was evaluated by the owner in advance and didn't seem to be any issues. Thirty six hours after she was there the owner started calling, saying we needed to medicate her. This has been a theme almost daily now for 2 weeks. We are visiting a new place Thursday. One that is supposed to be better equipped to handle clients with dementia. Last night I cried for the first time in years. I questioned if what we've done is the right thing. But I know we are doing what we believe to be in Mom's best interest. She needs to be safe. I have thought about moving her in with me and having full time caretakers brought in, but I don't know it that is cost effective or feasible given my house. Then I start to feel guilty for not wanting to give up my personal time after work hours. I don't know. I'll do what is necessary at the end of the day. Family and friends come first. 

we've had a few glorious days of sunshine and warmer temps. I've tried to take advantage best I could.  I hope everyone else has too.

peace to all of you

14 January, 2015

Back to our not so regular topics

First, my Sis went to Mom's today and she was much better with no rasping/wheezing from her chest. No hospital yesssss! 

Didn't workout yesterday so I got on the trainer this morning for a 30 minute kickstart. Had big intentions of a 30-40 minute run after work on the treadmill. I got there before my favorite one was taken and I changed to TV to food network (last two times was Fox News and my BP went sky high) Yay me! Well I got in 30 minutes but it was walking due to another asthma attack. 

I need to start recording when I take my long lasting inhaler. I've not been taking it very often. Maybe 3 times a week. Today and a couple of run attempts ago I warm up and run for 5 minutes then the hr goes sky high along with the breaking rate and get into distress. I hoped I could wean myself off but with life stresses I believe that's a pipedream.  I'm also trying to be frugal. Since insurance has changed so much I have to pay full price for prescriptions until my $1,500 deductible is met. Long lasting inhalers run $300 a month and a 3 month minimum through mail order.  (that's for twice a day dosage) so....

Maybe I'll have to bite the bullett and do it. I need to drop major pounds and I know running will do that. I want to enjoy running. Not sure that is a realistic goal. 

I'm so ready to ride dirt again. I can't travel to do it until the van is fixed and that's end of month. There's a trail day at OBW on Sunday. I will probably go there and work. Can't get the bike on the rental car so there's that. 
If you know of any new Enduro races please let me know!!!

Enough of my rambling about me.

I have many friends who have lost loved ones recently and there are more with parents that are deteriorating too quickly. Please send loving vibes for them. 

peace and love

13 January, 2015

Aging parents

We've moved Mom from "independent" living to a personal care home. It's been quite stressful for her getting used to a new place. It's also been difficult downsizing from a one bedroom apartment to a bedroom. She had a UTI just before Christmas, but thankfully that has cleared.

Last week she complained of stomach pain and I took her to urgent care. She had chest congestion and Dr said a touch  of diverticulitis so gaveher two   antibiotics. She had a follow up today with her pcp. She keeps dozing off. Has terrible cough deep in chest. Dr did x-ray then ordered CT scan as she suspects pneumonia. 

Any infection in older people can cause odd behavior and if already suffering from dementia that can be increased. 

She was given 16 oz of fluid to drink. I assume was for contrast. Well that was a long and drawn out ordeal. Thirty plus minutes of begging and cajoling her to keep drinking it. I finally asked one of the staff to come and talk to her. 

I realized that Mom doesn't understand/know about motion activated appliances such as water spigots and paper towel dispensers. The changes that we experience and take for granted everyday can be huge puzzles for our older generations 

I'm never sure what decade she is living in. However I believe most of the time it's before the 90s. 

Sitting here waiting for Dr to call with CT results. May need to admit her at hospital may not. It's a waiting game. 

Says not pneumonia and no admittance tonight. Yay