28 February, 2010

It's sad to watch

the family disentegrate into pieces. I can work the logic, rationalize all that's happened. It does no good to reach out if. no one takes your hand. To send an invitation that is declined. To leave a voice mail that's never answered. Or have all communication relegated to the written word.

Families from my perspective should make time for each other, reach out to each other. Hell, I've made trips to front porches and had to call before my family member knew I was outside. Time is moving on and so are the people in my family.

I can't put it together. I don't have the right glue. I keep saying I'm going to stop trying. To let it happen. To not let it bother me. To walk away.

but i can't make it stop hurting

27 February, 2010

First off road on a mountain bike

This was an interesting day. Woke up to about 1/2" of snow covering everything except pavement. I guess the ground was too warm. Have a nice big bowl of slow-cooked oatmeal and cup of hot tea.

I gave myself an hour to pull everything together, bike and gear. It's been a while since I drove to a winter ride. There is a whole pile o' crap to pack and get into the car. Back seat was reserved for the bike. Have to take both wheels off for it to fit. Layers, jacket, windbreaker, gloves, tights, sunglasses, helmet, pump, water bottles, food, skullcap, shoes, covers and so forth. It took the whole hour.

I stopped long enough to get a cup of coffee @ JBC and made my way to Indiana and Deam Lake. They had more snow and must've been colder as it was stuck to the roadways once I got to Hwy 60. There were 9 of us that showed up. A couple of familiar faces and the rest are new friends.

The hardest part of doing a ride like this is there's really no opportunity to warm up. First trail head goes straight uphill. That's the warm-up. Now, at one point I thought I was over-dressed, but once we got to the top of the knob I decided I was properly dressed. The wind was bonechilling as was the draft from the bike on the descent.

We crossed 3 creeks. The first one I hit the bank and stepped into the creek soaking both feet. There was one very steep hill I walked and another one earlier that I just couldn't seem to keep the front wheel on the ground so walked some of it too. It's tricky learning a different bike. The shifting is definitely different and will take a while for me to get accustomed. I'm still nowhere near smooth getting into pedals from my cx bike.

The single track was technical in some places and tough but very fun. I'm just slow. There was a decent sized log across the road the others road over and so I thought I could too. Didn't know enough to pull up on the front wheel first. Since it was at a slight angle to my front wheel, my wheel slid across it, didn't go over it and I went down. Hard onto my left shoulder. I'm thinking I've done some serious jambing the ball into the socket or something. It's talking to me even now. I laid there for a minute. Donald asked me if I broke anything, to which I said no. At first I wanted to cry, but that would be so stupid. Stand in the woods with someone I just met crying like a baby with plenty of trails to ride. So I dusted the snow off my ass and got back on the bike.

Much of the ride is made up of fire roads. Some are covered in gravel, many are just dirt. Several are torn up into rutted messes from the horse that use them. This type of riding is going to require me to build more strength and muscle. It's fun, it's exhausting. Also, most mountain bikes have smaller wheels, therefore you are spinning more than a road bike which keeps my heart rate elevated. Two and a half hours was definitely more strenuous than 4 hours on the road.

The one thing I'm disappointed in is that I started wheezing on the ride home. It seemed my respiration was much more intense on this ride than it has been on any since October. I feel a little fluid. Damned asthma.

Not sure what tomorrow will bring. A friend said road ride in the morning weather permitting, but think they are doing something else instead. The guys I rode with today have already said they're doing a repeat tomorrow. I was the only woman on this ride. Seems to be a theme this winter. I don't care. I just want to ride.
Have to return the bike this week. Another item on the wish list now

26 February, 2010

am such a goof

so why do I torture myself with wanting someone that doesn't want me? It's stupid and irrational. But I'm putting all that behind. I am a good person. I have some nice qualities. I am intelligent. I want to have fun and live.

25 February, 2010

Roller race Finale

24 February marked the 6th and final night of the 2010 roller race season in da Ville. Considering I'd successfully ridden rollers twice prior to the first night, I'm fairly pleased with the outcome. Happy I was able to participate in 4 of the 6 nights.

The week has turned back to winter after Mother Nature gave us a brief but satisfying taste over the weekend of what Spring will have to offer soon. My hands froze just rolling in my bike and carrying my trainer and gear to the building. That was ok, because once changed and on the trainer things always warm up quite nicely.

People trickled in, but we wound up with 15 competitors (I think that's right). I started talking smack to one of the regulars. He played along. I decided to attempt riding without a spotter. Each night previous someone would stand behind me (others too) and straddle the rear wheel while holding the saddle frame. This is just to keep the rider centered and on the rollers. With a spotter a novice can spin and bounce on the saddle without much concern of falling.

My TT time wound up being just longer than that of my smack talk nemesis. I watched and cheered for all that followed, while staying warm on the trainer and adding a few super spins to get the legs and heart primed. First 1,000 meters was against a longtime cyclist. He is responsible for bringing this event to the city and the equipment is his. We were about even with each other at the end of 500 meters. Then I started picking up the spin, 100, 200, 250 and for some reason changed my focal point to the clock. As soon as I changed where I was looking I rolled to the edge of the rollers and went down. I was down before I realized I was going. I feel bad for my competitor as this caused him to lose focus and he slowed too much to stay be in contention. No harm to the body and none to the bike save a dropped chain. I'm fairly certain there could be a photo of my spill but I've not seen it yet.

After this I took turns trying to snap some photos and keep my legs lose on the trainer. And I cheered and screamed the rest as they spun. It's funny, because as I sit on the trainer cheering on each set of riders my spinning gets faster and faster. I wind up being exhausted at the end of each of their races.

The last 1,000 meter race I was up against my smack talk friend. I started out thinking spin, relax, breath, focus. over and over and over again. I gained ground somewhere around 250 meters, but maybe only a second. By 750 meters it looked as though his attempt at catching me was spent. My thoughts kept saying, exhale, relax, spin faster, don't bounce. I won! It was under a second, but I won. Probably all that smack talk I'd done. :-)

A couple of things. Honestly, my goal for this was to improve on last week's time each time out. I have no delusions about beating any man or teen or youth. I just want to beat me. Second, I wanted to create a level of self confidence and doing this series accomplished that. Competing last night with no spotter was icing on the cake. Falling and not getting hurt just enforces that this is always possible so I should overcome the fears from my bone-breaking crash. Still it will take time.

I met some new people doing this. Had a wonderful experience. Tried to get other women as well as men out there to no avail. Next year, I hope to give a few of those guys a better challenge.

peace out people!

22 February, 2010


this is where I am - caused too much pain - was never my intent - time to be alone -

Monday sucked and so did I

started by waking up all thru the night - finally got my ass out of bed @ 5 - morning routine, out the door before 6:30 and into the office for a 7 am call. and another and a meeting and another call and another meeting on and on and on

then tonight just went south

ugh - I'm a bitch, not malicious but somehow I keep hurting people I care about

good grief

21 February, 2010

Putting together a plan

I knew I wouldn't see enough progress if I didn't do something. The job is demanding more and more of my time, which is ok and expected and welcome. But I need help. So after researching and talking I found someone to coach and mentor me. Finally, I have someone that doesn't cost a fortune, but has experience with racing. Racing multiple disciplines, too, which really will be helpful I think.

Saturday was the field test. Now, due to a variety of reasons, it was done inside on the trainer. The only true numbers derived are HR. But those are very important so the rest of my mileage/time in the saddle is done at the proper exertion level. The test was HARD. I did it solo. The warm-up went a few minutes longer than it should've. I didn't have all things in order before starting. Towel, fan - so much to remember! The first steady state was tough. I don't have a computer that would read cadence so was having to focus on my pedal stroke and push, trying to stay 85 - 95 rpm. Gearing changes, but tried to keep within 1 up or 1 down from start. 5 minute recovery and start again. Second one was even harder. The legs were feeling full of lactate acid. I misread my watch and worked really hard the last minute, but ended a minute sooner than scheduled.

Results - not sure but the feedback was "good job, nice and consistent" cool I went out for a nice ride in the park mid-afternoon. It was a beautiful day and needed to spin out my legs after that hard effort. My legs never felt so tired before. They wieghed a hundred pounds each. Was in bed before 9:30. But was wide awake just after midnight. and it was almost 2 before I fell asleep. That sucked big wind. I have this bird outside my window that has decided to sing each morning at 5 am. Thanks birdy!

Today was a nice long easy (yeah right) ride on an absolutely fabulous weather day. I rode 60+ miles. A new friend and a good friend rode with me. The new friend only had 2 hours. The good friend rode quite a few more miles than I did. Mandate was to keep HR below 140, to which I said "yeah right". I did though, for the most part. Just kept switching the gearing to where my breathing and HR was good. There were a few good efforts uphill where it rose. But that was perfectly acceptable. I have plenty to learn as far as this training regimen goes. Tomorrow starts regular leg workouts to build strength, which will be 3 times a week.

I have a full week of work ahead, 2 trainer tours and the last of the roller races. There's still plenty of things I need to sort out in my personal life. But today was a good day spent with friends. Hard work, pushing forward with goals, spending quality time with me and my friends - this is what I consider a GREAT day. May more come to them and me.

19 February, 2010

I should take my own advice

about life. My girls talk to me and we cry and laugh and go through all the stuff. I tell them they are good and have big hearts and are special and deserve the best. Thing is - I do too.

BUT it's not all about me. If I find myself in a relationship (friends or lovers) there should be mutual respect and love. Each giving to the other. Just have to see what the future holds.


15 February, 2010

Day off for President's Day

and I woke up stiff and sore and bruised and noticed a cut on my lip all from yesterday's fun on the trails. A ride got posted for the weekend and I inquired as to it's suitability for a cross bike. I was discouraged and so I put out an email request for a loaner mtn bike.

To my surprise and excitement a fellow cyclist emailed and said I could borrow one of their's. Maybe even make a deal for purchase (but I have to pay for my cross bike first!) So, am supposed to pick up the bike tomorrow. Have plans to ride it Wed afternoon to try it out. I'm very pumped.

Because it keeps snowing and that makes it too treacherous to ride the road bike. Even the cross bike is challenging when ice is under the tires. They are calling for more snow tonight and again this weekend. It will make for an interesting February for sure.

I rode the trainer and watched the Olympics today. I always feel so much better after a good sweat. Needed to spin out the soreness in my legs from yesterday's ride. My thighs are still tender, but that's from the bruises. My left shoulder and upper arm are still hurting in the worst way. I should meditate and get the chi moving to move out the bad stuff.


14 February, 2010

shutting down

went on a trail ride with friends, they were all on mtn bikes and I on my cross bike. Am glad Brian asked me to join. I won't again for a while I think. Can't keep up and they all wait at the end. Not fair to them. It was fun for the first bit. But it was icier than last time and I fell quite a lot. After 2:15 of being on the bike my avg heart rate was 150 and maxed at 175. 40 minutes are all that stayed in zone, 30 of that had to be riding to and from the ride. :-)

I got lost at one point and could not figure out where I was. I fell behind very quickly going up the hill to the Wilderness. Seems I took a left when everyone goes right. I didn't know. This was my first time in Wilderness. Felt so stupid having to make a phone call to figure out how to get out. After getting back on track I fell twice and hurt my precious uh huh. I knocked my saddle about 30 degrees out of alignment the first time. Guess it's no big deal though. Not like I have any dates lined up.

I've gained weight and am out of shape and am tired of riding by myself on group rides. Time to rethink, unplug, disconnect, something. good grief

and my left shoulder is hurting more than ever - but not from falling -

Happy New Year of the Tiger

I know I should live in today and let yesterday go. I can think rationally about things and events, but in my sleep things come back. Memories surface. In the wee hours this morning it was the wonderful sound of giggles.

I've had some trouble with a rash on my left wrist and stiffness and pain in my left shoulder (the good one) for a couple of months now. My shaman tells me that these are from my heart, joy being blocked. So, I'm not doing the hard work I should be. My daylight rationalizations are just on the surface. Connections are made, closeness becomes familiar and then distances get wider and sometimes the connections are lost or stretched to the limits. I've tried to reign some back, but there is an ebb and flow that can be frustrating. I've made attempts at undoing or redoing and wind up overdoing.

Haven't cried much over Socks. I miss her terribly, but knew she wouldn't be around long.

I have my work, I have my bicycle, I have friends. I can survive with these things. But how do I thrive? blossom, grow, fulfill myself and find joy? I'll never receive the things I want from my immediate family. They are still very upset with my decision to divorce. They will never understand that I could no longer continue that life.

Decided not to do the online dating thing for now. Instead am looking for a new place to move into. Something with a little larger living space and access to a balcony or patio. I missed not having a place to relax in the out of doors last summer. I'd like to invite people over and entertain.

Heading out in a bit to ride my cx bike on the trails. Everyone else will have their mountain bikes. So, am sure it will be challenging. Again an opportunity to provide some comic relief. I've gained too much weight from my trip to Poland. I have gotten soft. Will not be competitive at the first race next month for sure. Hope I'm ready for the Roubaix

And so today is a new year. I will seek to find ways to be useful, be of service. Not sure exactly what that is yet. But am sure it will change over time as do all things in life.

07 February, 2010

what time is it?

Long trip home, sad to be in apartment without Socks, slept like a rock

Good friend picked me up at airport, though is under the weather. I'm thinking it's the flu. Made some homemade chicken soup and delivered it. Hope it helps.

Full day of chores, cleaning fridge, grocery shopping, cooking, laundry and still need to clean But that can wait for another day

Amber came and visited, very nice to have her. She's continuing her school and will have 2 bachelor's degrees after 2 more years. Am so proud and happy for her

Full week ahead, meeting each morning, makes me tired to think of them

I've been ready for bed since 6pm. Off to my pillow now SuperBowl will continue without me


05 February, 2010

Lost a dear one today - Our Socks

and I wasn't home to be with her or say good-bye. My sweet Heather was there to give her comfort and love. I can't change the situation. I can say what I wish had happened but it didn't and that is futile.

We rescued Socks from behind the wall at the cabinet shop in 1993 (we think but it might've been 1992). From our guestimation she was 3 weeks old. Heather was 12 and Amber was 8. I learnt alot about kittens that spring. I bottle fed her for 3 weeks. Along with bottle feeding you have to wipe their butts to stimulate peeing and pooing. She had the sharpest paper thin nails and tore up my hands something fierce. I don't regret bringing her in and taking care of her, but I don't think I could do it again. She ate every or 3 hours, much like a human baby. I kept her in a box under my desk at work. We took her on a long weekend vacation to the lake with friends and I bottle fed her then as well. She became a member of our family.

Socks became very independent as cats will do. She "owned" the house. Her house mate Whiskers loved her dearly and gave her full reign. He always gave her first dibs on food, etc. When Whiskers passed Socks grieved and grieved. Then Amber and I brought home Bastian. Oh my, what a disruption in her life that created!

She would do things to get him into trouble. She was a smart one, that Socks.

She was one of us. When I moved out last spring it was hard on Terry. She had already started becoming finicky about eating. She had already started losing weight.

I've been in Warsaw for almost 2 weeks now. Heather took her in and kept her while I've been away. I hate that this happened while I was gone. But am glad that Heather was on watch. Heather has a big heart and loves animals. She gets it honest as our family has always been animal lovers.

I can't grieve properly. I don't know if I can until I get home and she's not there. I miss her already. But I know she lived a long life and had a family that loved her very much. This will leave a hole in my heart for some time.

She has finally found Peace