14 February, 2010

Happy New Year of the Tiger

I know I should live in today and let yesterday go. I can think rationally about things and events, but in my sleep things come back. Memories surface. In the wee hours this morning it was the wonderful sound of giggles.

I've had some trouble with a rash on my left wrist and stiffness and pain in my left shoulder (the good one) for a couple of months now. My shaman tells me that these are from my heart, joy being blocked. So, I'm not doing the hard work I should be. My daylight rationalizations are just on the surface. Connections are made, closeness becomes familiar and then distances get wider and sometimes the connections are lost or stretched to the limits. I've tried to reign some back, but there is an ebb and flow that can be frustrating. I've made attempts at undoing or redoing and wind up overdoing.

Haven't cried much over Socks. I miss her terribly, but knew she wouldn't be around long.

I have my work, I have my bicycle, I have friends. I can survive with these things. But how do I thrive? blossom, grow, fulfill myself and find joy? I'll never receive the things I want from my immediate family. They are still very upset with my decision to divorce. They will never understand that I could no longer continue that life.

Decided not to do the online dating thing for now. Instead am looking for a new place to move into. Something with a little larger living space and access to a balcony or patio. I missed not having a place to relax in the out of doors last summer. I'd like to invite people over and entertain.

Heading out in a bit to ride my cx bike on the trails. Everyone else will have their mountain bikes. So, am sure it will be challenging. Again an opportunity to provide some comic relief. I've gained too much weight from my trip to Poland. I have gotten soft. Will not be competitive at the first race next month for sure. Hope I'm ready for the Roubaix

And so today is a new year. I will seek to find ways to be useful, be of service. Not sure exactly what that is yet. But am sure it will change over time as do all things in life.

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