Funny how

we learn things about ourselves. And then how quick we are to put a slant or rationalise on why we did it or thought it or said it.

I know my faults, I don't like my faults. I hate it when others point them out to me and I hate that I get defensive when they do. I am passive/agressive. No matter what, I can't break the mold (not yet anyways). If you are my family or friend I will do anything you ask. I will defend you til the end for anything you've done, even if deep inside I disagree with your actions.


I agreed to do something this evening for a family member. I don't agree with the circumstances. My daughter pointed this out to me and that I should not have agreed. So what did I do, I got upset with my daugher. Needless to say, she didn't stick around long.


I'm sad on so many levels right now. I hope it's hormones, but that's probably a cop out. I've worked so hard to make major changes in my life. Stopped smoking, started getting fit, really buckling down in my job and trying to show strength, leadership, and grow my understanding.

I'm not happy. I want independence, to be on my own for a while. Is this a mid-life crisis? Maybe, maybe not. I've never been on my own. To do something like that would be a major lifestyle change that doesn't just affect me.

So now, my youngest daughter, Amber wants to marry someone 17 years her senior. She is 22. He also has a 3 year old daughter. I'm not thrilled about Amber's choice. She doesn't have a great track record. But you know, the last thing I would do is say/do something that would set her off more determined than ever to do it. I also want her to be happy. I will not try to dictate to her what that should look like.

Terry wants nothing to do with this man. He already laid down the law with her before the wedding without talking to me. He said that she is always welcome and he wants to see her often, but her boyfriend is not welcome and he will not meet him. He knows I'm very unhappy about this. He knows this could split us up. I don't like him right now. He has been my best friend since I was 16 and now I don't even want to look at him. What do I do? My bff tells me to let it be for a while. I don't know if I can.

Amber may make unpopular choices, but is one of the sweetest people with a huge heart. I gave birth to her. I will always love and defend her. She has to live her life. I have to let her know that I will always be here for her.

I wanted to smoke in the worst way today, when I was driving to work, when I was at work, when I drove home at noon, when I arrived home, when I worked at my laptop all afternoon. I just kept thinking about it. And then, I would say, sometimes out loud, No I'm not smoking any cigarettes. How easy would it be? Too easy. I'm not falling into the trap. It's a mind game. Life is easy, life is difficult. I choose not to smoke today. I will choose not to smoke tomorrow. I will choose to not use a life event as an excuse to fall off of this wagon. Am I changing at least one of my personality flaws? I'm trying, I am trying so damned hard.

This is another piece of my adventure. Life is change. I'm trying to embrace it. I do not want to look back. I only want to look forward. I just wish I knew which way forward is.