Much to think and ponder and decide in my future

Another chapter has closed, at least it feels that way.
Time to move on and follow the path in front of me.
I've never been one to say good-bye, but there are times I've been told good-bye. And on some level good riddance. Not a good feeling. At all.
Crossroads where "friends" and family have cut me loose.

One says/asks if I'm running away. I truly don't believe that's it. I'm ready to find a way to do something I want to do. No obligation that says I must stay in that job or live in that place. The amount of time I have to end of life gets shorter all the time. 20 more years if I am fortunate. Don't want to spend the next 10 in a cubicle and then be too old, fat and miserable to do "what I've worked so hard for". F that

Today, for the first time, I said out loud to another person that I think achieving PRs on a bicycle are behind me. I didn't say it lightly. I don't want it to be true, but somehow deep down I think it might be. Another reason to make a change. Hell, I only started riding bikes in 2007, but next month I start my 60th rotation around the sun.

I'm a proud mother of two smart and beautiful women. I wouldn't change much of my time having and raising them. Though I've been told I did quite a bit incorrectly.

So back in '13 I found a place that feels good and calls me back regularly. I may never get to realize the silly little dream I've kindled for 3+ years.

more to come if the universe sees fit...

peace and love

"Friends"

What friend won't answer when you call, but text in response. And when you say you want to talk, they tell you you are being mysterious. Those aren't friends. 

It's happened with several people.  After texting here and there things get lost and tone is assumed. Communication gets befuddled.

Conversations are important. Real communication is important. 

But then when people decide to take new venues it gets serious.

Sending love their way. 

Glad to be done with them.

Almost a year has passed

since Mom died. Facebook memories are tough sometimes, but I'm glad I recorded points in history to reflect and remember. 

December 21, 2015,we placed Mom in the Hosparus unit at Norton Hospital. It is a quiet and peaceful place. No machines beeping or burping. Just soft voices and tears or sobs at times. 

Last Christmas Eve, after sitting with Mom and playing carols for her through my phone on Pandora I went to church. Not a religious person, but a friend who is a pastor holds a late Christmas Eve service. I think I cried through most of it. Lots of singing, a few words and communion. I did not partake of communion though. Once I got home I was emotionally exhausted, but in a good way. The service helped me find some peace. I hope to return this evening. I might even see some familiar faces and exchange hugs.

I have had a tough time since summer '14 for many reasons. That's a long time to not be able to shake things off. Maybe '17 will see some brighter days as I make some changes. Would be nice to keep the autoimmune at bay for a while and get back to riding. I've become so sedentary that the weight is beginning to be ridiculous in my opinion.

Currently I have a couple of goals. One is to reconcile and one is to have fun.
That's it for now.

peace and love for all

Easy is forgettable

I've made that my mantra for the last number of years. But sometimes I fail and go for the easy way, at least with some relationships.

"Be soft like water and be a powerful force." "Turn the other cheek. "

Honestly I try. Then I get weak and allow my ego to get the best of me. I say words. I poke the bear. I make it worse. 

So I'm going to try once again to be quiet, turn the other cheek. This isn't giving up or in. I will continue to try to do right. I will continue to love all. No it's not easy.

Life has its way.

 

Changing relationships

from friends to acquaintances is not much fun. 

One insists to be my friend but blocks my calls and emails. 

Truly thought they would be there when Mom died, but they weren't. 

Recently have gotten a random call, twice, just to be blocked again. 

My immediate reaction was anger. Now I'm just saddened by it all. 

I'm not perfect and make plenty of mistakes. Reckon that is obvious to everyone. 

More of life's lessons. 

Been a while

and not sure I have anything interesting to say. This is more about getting stuff off my chest. You are welcome to close the tab now.

I've gained many pounds over the last 2 year or so. My fitness has waned (understatement). But I'm not giving up, yet. Not ready to quit, though I have toyed with that thought for most of the last 2+ years. 

Right now I'm grateful that I am as healthy as I am. I can ride my bike. Lungs are still damaged and allergies and asthma kick my ass, especially right now. But I can ride my bike. That seems to be my best mental therapy, taking the bike to the woods. There have been many months lately that I just didn't get that fix like i'm used to.

Seems my friends list has gone through some changes over the last 3 years. A metamorphosis is the term I prefer  Wow has that been painful. I'm grateful for it though. I've grown because of it. I've meditated and prayed and soul searched. I realize I am a good person, flawed yes, but well meaning always. I care and support all of you. I will cheer you on no matter what. 

I've become a grandmother. This I cannot describe properly. My heart feels like it will explode when I am with Violet. She is a spitfire and rules the roost. :-) 

My Mom died on January 1st after several years long journey with dementia. Looking back it definitely began much earlier that we realized at the time. I miss her. I've missed her for a few years now. 

I continue. There are days I'm not sure how or why I do. There are many people I've called my friends that didn't come to the funeral or reach out. My eyes opened and my heart has broken many times over. There were a few special friends that have taken time and for them I am grateful and some of them that surprised me. 

I am not one to burn bridges or to say good-bye. There is the knowledge that I cannot know what others are going through in their lives. I  send my love their way. 

ramblings 

I love you
 

I never knew

how much my heart could really hurt until after I turned 55. Boy oh boy, it can hurt a lot and for so many reasons.

Love yourself and those places that hurt the worst. Once we can do that and then project love to the reasons the hurt exists the pain fades into nothingness.

Love, love , love, love...

peace to all

there's no way to know

how much time we've got. Mom's blood pressure is 220/90 now most the time. She seems to be content. She doesn't want to take showers and I don't blame her. It's not so easy to watch and to make decisions. Sometimes I really hate being a grown up.

Nothing good to report here

until there is I will be silent. 

No one wants to read about stuff unless it's happy and optimistic! 

peace and love to all 

Betwixted

, grateful yet full of regret as well. Mixed up.

So many are suffering with ailments and loss of loved ones and starvation and worse. My heart goes out to them. I meditate and try to keep optimism alive. 

I feel regretful for being upset about not being able to ride. I wish I knew how to fix these flare-ups, but my life isn't so unbearable. 

This world needs more love and understanding. You can call me weak if you want. But love has the most enduring connection and strong bond.

I have friends suffering pain I can't imagine living through on a daily basis yet still working and providing stellar service to their customers.

Friends have lost their parents and love ones.

Still others are malnourished, homeless, in need of basic necessities right here in my community.

much love to all
blessings and understandings for those that are different from me

peace

Grace

So many things. I request assistance from The Sage, Universe, any one or thing to grant me Grace for the foreseeable future. 

At some point I'll be more comfortable writing about this (maybe), but for now that would be in contradiction of grace.  

Love and peace for all
 

Labels

I'm too "nosey", "invasive", "confrontational". So many adjectives so little whitespace. haha 
I take things to heart, personal more than I should. It's how I'm built. No apologies, not anymore. I also care deeply about those I have in my large circle. No, I won't be brazen and say they are all close friends, some are acquaintances, etc. But I am grateful for each one and the relationship we have.
Some have chosen to sever in this way or that our ability to communicate regularly. But I continue to send loving and healing vibes to all.
This life is full of tribulations and trials. It may take me 10 or 100 or 1,000 more lifetimes to make peace with it.
Less pokey & prickly and more soft like water. Takes a while for me to figure out things. Then it takes lots of trial and error to start to get it close.


For those of you that read this I am grateful.
So many are going through major life changes right now. I wish I had a magic wand. But mostly I hope we can all find common ground, understanding, love, serenity, peace, and more 

Much love and peace for everyone

Mini vacay, part 3

Am I being lazy? or is there really something going on in this body? I want to go and do and train. Some days, like this morning, it I'm just not feeling energetic, fit, ready to do what I've planned.

It's 11:07 pm and I return to work tomorrow. I seriously wish there was someway I could ride my bike most days in the mountains. Ride being the operative word!and not push it uphill.

It was steamy (humid) this week, independent of the temperatures.

Well I got sidetracked and typed the above then a full week goes by. That happens to me when reality sets in. 

Friday I took my time at The Crashpad. I fried an egg and made oatmeal, had a cup of tea and chatted with those that were doing the same. There was a couple that have travelled to Asia and India and they shared their adventures with us. I was inspired to start thinking of another international trip. I must start saving, both money and PTO (or maybe not worry about PTO). Wrapped up, loaded up and hit the road. It was my birthday and I made way to Brevard. I went to Pisgah brewery and then went to an anniversary party thrown by one of the local bike shops. They had food catered and brews and their own mini pumptrack people rode. 

There was a road event that weekend and the campground was full again, but I stayed where I stayed Memorial weekend. It was pleasant and quiet and comfortable. 

Saturday I got up and ate and drove to Trace Ridge trailhead. A friend shared his map and thoughts about the trail. The climb was tough. The descent was fun though very tight in a few places where the rhododendrons have grow close. When I got back to the van and was changing I heard voices and saw a friend from Louisville ride up. We chatted and made plans to meet for dinner later that evening.

I wanted to be sure and get done in time to see the Blueridge battle - pumptrack challenge at I9.  I'm so glad I did. It was fun to watch and video and talk with people. I met Chris and Jessie at The Phoenix for dinner, hit the chocolatier and then headed to Oskar Blues for a beer before turning in for the night.

Sunday I got up and the body was telling me how I'd ridden much more than I have recently. I'd been ignoring a flare-up to the best of my ability and kept the lidocaine handy. I was determined and so ate a bite and rode lower Black Mountain. It was damp as was Trace Ridge. But the descent is so fast and flowy! My time descendng was slower than before but I was happy to be in the forest. Of course I had to visit The Hub and Pisgah Tavern. I was thrilled to see Meaghan and Dave while I was in town. 

I left and went to Pisgah brewery to purchase some brews for home. They carry this mango chipolte hummus that is so good, I bought 2 to bring home. Next stop was Bruisin' Ales and found a few new choices and some for friends also. 

The drive wasn't terrible, but it's definitely long after riding same day (even though my ride was short).

My mini vacay was very nice and I'm grateful I can do things like this. Sure would be good to have others to share with, but make the best of what you have. One of these days maybe I'll get to travel with others again. 

So I'm 57, June is almost over and started the 58th revolution. Still have things to do and say. Violet turned 3 months last Friday. Time goes so quickly. 

peace and love

Yay for equal marriage rights! Now if we could just ratify the Equal Rights Amendment for women in this country.

xo   

Mini vacaypart 2

Best evening I've had in a long time. Got to hang out with a friend before the show. Surprised me at my van. That was great. Seeing The Rolling Stones boogie and rock agelessly was outstanding. Plenty of dancing, singing along and it was a very warm night. They didn't start until after 9:30. It was after 11:30 when they ended. That's Central time, going home you lose an hour. (I didn't go home but a friend had to drive home to Louisville). 

It was about an hour before getting on the interstate and head to the campground. It was 1:30 before I laid my head down. (that's 2:30 body clock) My body is all out of whack. haha Cages Bend Campground is very nice and I will go back.

Of course I slept in a bit, until the dogs started barking and the sun was hitting my face. Went to Starbucks for oatmeal, took my time. No need to be in a hurry. All things happen as they will. Drove to Chattanooga. Went to Raccoon Mountain and rode. It was 3:30 or after before I arrived, changed and starting to ride. Not the best ride. So happy I found the lidocaine before leaving home. Flareups be damned! ha, yeah right. That's ok. Ride everyday and get that fitness on the upswing, right? I love riding here. I so wish I had the fitness to really enjoy it.

Switch Yard from the trail

Switch Yard from the road

So fun! Much of the Raccoon trails remind me of O'Bannon Woods with rock, etc. But Raccoon has lots of sand too.

After riding and having a snack I googled weather and campgrounds for Knoxville and Pisgah. By the time I got down from Raccoon I was getting very hungry. Flying Squirrel I thought and it was 5 minutes from myt current location. As I walked to Squirrel I stopped in to say Hi at The Crash Pad.  They had one bunk left and it's on first floor and bottom bunk, SCORE!

I can't believe I'm still awake, except my clothes are in the dryer. A few more hours and I'll wrap up this 57th year of life outside the womb. Looking forward to this next revolution and see what it has in store. 

Forever grateful for each experience, wonderful and painful both. 

peace and love 

Mini vacay part 1

Tuesday plan was to leave from work. Life happens and plans alter. Had an appt with lung Dr. It went well. The PA didn't seem pleased when I told her I use my long lasting inhaler "as needed" and the Dr had said I could. Dr came in and asked how I'm doing to which I replied just fine. "Any issues" no, not really. Maintaining. To which he says, "see ya next year, do you want any samples?" Of course I'll take samples, that stuff is outrageously expensive. 

A friend lost her Mom to Alz this week, visitation was yesterday and burial today. She is a dear and I couldn't leave town without paying respects. She has been very thoughtful with me and my Mom situation. 

Loaded the car and grabbed a quick dinner at El Taco Luchador then hit the road. It was 7:30 ish. Ran through rain in Hardin county, looked fierce but other than a heavy downpour wasn't bad at all. Pulled into camp around 11, 10 here in TN and missed the checkin. Setup camp for evening, drank a cider and went to sleep. Rested well, the sun woke me about 6 and got up at 7. Checkin was closed still so I headed to Starbucks for oatmeal and points East to ride. 

Brian and I had talked about several places we'd like to ride over the last couple of years. Defeated Creek was one and was about an hour drive from Cages Bend campground. The information on Trailfu was limited at best. I arrived and found the trailhead right outside the campground there. A gentleman was walking back to his truck and we chatted briefly. He said if you climb all the way to the ridge there are some pretty difficult places on the way back down. Good!

I took my time. No need to be in a hurry and have many more days to ride ahead. There were a couple of fairly steep washed out climbs that I walked. The temp and humidity was climbing. It doesn't look like many are riding this trail. The lower parts are better traveled than the top, Grizzly. Grass was heavy and tall in places. I found plenty of spider webs that wind up around my neck and in my face. Sticks and limbs were down everywhere and I kept thinking I should've bought a spare dérailleur hanger to keep handy for the Trance. I'm fairly sure I rode everything legal for bike and got 8 miles and 863 ft climbing. The ride back down was fun and I made all the switchbacks. There were a few places with rock drops, but they were tame and a few steep swooping drops that dropped in dry creek beds and climbed back out with no effort if you descended with good speed. 

Went to the campground looking for a camp store to buy a Popsicle. There wasn't a camp store! So I rode to the Marina and found a cold Yeungling instead. haha

Sitting here back at Cages Bend after a nice shower and lunch. Maybe I'll take a nap. I'm heading to Nashville before long to see The Rolling Stones. Another first. Not sure how it will be in LP field. But I'll take it all in stride. 

Hope everyone at Short track has a great time tonight, hate missing it but can't be in two places at same time. #priorities 

peace

ps no place for my hammock, hope there is at my next resting place. 

Hell yes I'm scared

and know there's no reason to be. People ask me about traveling alone, riding alone, etc. If I had my druthers I'd be fit and fast enough to ride with other people then maybe I'd be invited along to ride places. I spent too much time cajoling and trying to get invited. That just ends up in disaster. So I won't sit home and wait. I am going to go and do. Yes, sometimes I'm in over my head. I can't think about it. It's like a lot of things in life. I can live in fear of what could happen or I can go and do and let life happen as it does. 

Never would I have thought I'd be on my own, solo, this long. But then life zigs and zags. 

I am a scaredy cat on the trails lots of times. Other times I have a confidence that surprises me. Don't get me wrong. I have no fitness, but I have moments where the legs and heart and lungs feel so good and I am one with the bike and the geometry of the dirt and I feel like I am soaring.

Lots on my mind. I'm missing the last two days of Short Track for this trip. It's my birthday weekend. No one had mentioned anything about it and I didn't expect them to, so I started planning to use the time I had saved for helping out when my granddaughter was born. 

Another trip around the sun completes very soon. Makes one think about many things. 

The last few days have been such a joy. I spent time Thursday, Friday, Saturday and Sunday with friends and family. What fun is has been to feast after what seems life a long drought. I am grateful and humbled.

Prayers to all who have lost parents, children, pets, friends over these last days, weeks and months. 

Peace and love for everyone

Short Track week #3

Another fun evening with great people! It was HOT but not too humid. Since this was my last possibility to race the series I didn't want to miss. But major flare-up happened Monday and was miserable today. Rode to work this morning and seriously considered going home, but needed to  get things done and didn't want to burn a PTO day. :-)

Got out of work and rode home. A friend came to visit and we rode to Eva Bandman together. I tried to talk her into racing, but she didn't bring her MTB. 

I started the race, but realized the pain was too distracting and I was going to be an obstacle for the others. Still had fun, always have fun riding bikes and being with like-minded people.

Time to think and regroup.

Will add photo/video later.

peace and g'nite







it should be easier. I was told I shouldn't care. But I do, it's how I'm wired. To be standing and talking with people and have people either act like you're not there or just walk away. this too is life. c'est la vie, non?

Emotonal moment here folks

My niece got married Saturday. What a beautiful ceremony and celebration it was. The officiant recognized those that were not able to be with us including my Dad and my niece's grandparents on her mother's side as well as relatives of the groom. Tears welled up in my eyes. And I thought about Mom too. They played such good music including some Nat King Cole. My Dad loved his music and had several of his albums. He also loved Big Band and some jazz.  The groom is a musician and teacher. Dad would've really liked him I think.

The bride and groom dance:  Greta and Jacob's newlywed dance

Visited Mom today at supper time. (read a comment recently about the use of the word supper, definitely not a southern person). They had dressed hamburgers, tater tots, and pork and beans with lemonade. We visited a bit and I went to fill her med planner. They were still eating when I finished that and I sat with her and chatted with her table mates. Well, only one gentleman was capable of conversation. They had chocolate pudding for dessert and I got out my iPhone and showed Mom pictures of Greta and Jacob's wedding. She kept asking his name and commenting on how tall he is. She said "Greta is going to have to look up all the time to see his face." Next I got some photos of Violet, her first great-granddaughter. She repeated and repeated her name. She asked for her full name. When I said Violet Elena, she really liked Elena. I showed her a couple of videos of Violet also. She just smiled and said how pretty and happy she is. She wants to see her and I want her to as well.

Sitting here posting videos from the wedding and a post about my visit to mom and I get emotional. Happy and sad all at the same time. Life is constant change. It's all out of our control. The best we can do is love and love and love each other.

Thinking about friends who've recently lost parents and those whose parents are close to leaving this world. Then I see all of the expectant Moms and Dads and new babies on my Facebook wall and the circle of life continues.

Love your family and friends as much as you can. You never know when they won't be.

Peace and love to all

thoughts

tired very tired

and sad

Louisville Short Track MTB race #2

Different course this week. There was only one log, small in diameter to clear just before a left hand turn, no big deal. The course stayed inside the wooded area and incorporated a jump that was rollable, though I wish I had the skilz to jump because rolling it wasn't fun or fast.

I rode to the course from home on my Scalpel with flat pedals. The temps were great, high 60s. Lots of familiar faces were there and a couple of new ones on the Women's C start line! I rode to the venue 1) because it seems silly to drive 2) thought it would give me a good warm-up before racing, next time add a couple of miles I think.

I pre-rode the course about 3 laps. The one thing I didn't like about the course was the hill. They put in this steep climb of about 30 feet. I made it up about 3/5 of the way during warm-up. First lap in the race I slid out and everyone passed me. Climbing that in my 5/10s was a big challenge. They have fairly slick soles, thus no traction. Maybe I should put my clip-less pedals and shoes in my bag for next week. nah I am not making excuses. I should be able to ride that climb unless it's full of others walking it. Several of the juniors passed me and some of them are very small. Not to worry, no damage to my ego there. Two of them got tangled and one smashed into a tree. They got their bikes apart by the time I got to them. The one was crying a bit and I said jump on your bike and ride, you are going to be fine! He did and I think he was just fine.

Again, I must say how nice it is to have people cheering for you. It is a huge boost even if there's no way to do better than last. I am humbled when I hear my name. People I did not think would ever cheer for me did. Still wondering about that.

Watching the rest of the races and cheering for everyone is the very best part of the evenin' for me. That and talking to folks. It's always fun to run from place to place on the course and snap photos or take some video. I did grab some video at the jump and caught a few catching air.

A friend and I chatted briefly. She said how good it was to see me making a comeback to racing. hmmm  Not so sure this is what I would call a comeback. I have no fitness. I may never have any chance of being competitive again. But I love the atmosphere and hope to make some Cyclocross races this fall. 

Women's A/B race start:

Men's A Race start:

 


I will try to post a vid and/or photo later tonight to this blog entry.

I hope everyone is enjoying their Springtime.
peace and love

p.s. the autoimmune stuff just stinks, flareups keep happening out of the blue. One started Monday evening and was no fun for last night's race. Good news: asthma and allergies seem to be better for now. :-)