Each time a stressful event happens. I think I've had plenty since last July. My oldest found a lump last summer, then married in September. My sister found true love and married. My Mom is losing her vision and can no longer drive. My youngest daughter just went through surgery to discover that she does not have endometriosis.
My change of life craziness doesn't help at all. Hormone shifts causing weeping moments out of the blue. Some of the time I have such trouble focusing. Wishing for things that I shouldn't.
Work has it's own trials. Too much to do for one person. Just lost a number of good people.
I just had a fantasy of grabbing one of my husbands cigarettes. I'd really like to hold one between my fingers and smell the length of it. It's been over 15 months! I won't do it. I can't. I've come way too far.
It's Halloween and I should be laughing! At least tomorrow I can get out and ride. We are having unbelievable weather again. 70s and sunny with no rain in sight.
Showing posts with label cigarettes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label cigarettes. Show all posts
31 October, 2008
15 September, 2007
I haven't taken any Chantix since Wednesday
I was taking half a pill Sunday thru Wednesday and missed Tuesday completely. Maggie mentions that you can buy a pill cutter, I didn't and probably should've. But I got frustrated and very tired of taking the Chantix anyway.
So Thursday was the best day I had experienced to date. Met with my boss over lunch and discussed mid-year (I know we're way past mid-year). All in all it was a good conversation. I had located a client facing opportunity in Europe and he agreed! Several people providing feedback on my strengths and opportunities stated I needed exposure to clients outside of the US. I was on cloud nine! (Prior to lunch I had convinced myself that there would be one reason or another why there was somthing else that would be more appopriate.)
I had dinner with my boss and a former boss Thursday evening. She is my favorite person I have ever reported to. She's a wonderful mentor. We chatted, told stories, ate sushi. It was a great time!
I got home and had a blast online with a few friends. My quit buddy tells a terribly funny story on herself about falling during her run/walk. (Sometimes I have a hard time believing her stories). She wound up peeing her pants after her dog trips her and she takes a hard fall on hands and knees.
Two other friends are in Dallas for a client meeting. I get this email with a picture attached. K took a pic of J following a dinner theatre. An actress is hugging and kissing all over J. What a hoot!
Then, outta the blue I hear about mid-year promotions that came out. I reacted badly, very badly. Didn't sleep all night and dwelled on it way too long on Friday. I puton my workout clothes, packed my work clothes and left for the office at 5:20 am. I plugged in and took off about 6 am for a run/walk to the riverfront. Wish I had run longer and walked less, but I didn't stop even at stop signals. Plan on doing this at least twice this week coming up.
I wanted a cigarette more on Friday than I had for the last 2 weeks. My quit buddy was in meetings most of the day. I walked the block around our building 3 times, by myself. It worked. I didn't want that cigarette because of the physical addiction. I wanted it, because that what I've always done in stressful situations; I've smoked like a freight train.
I wish I hadn't done that. I wish I hadn't found out about the promos. But you know, could shoulda woulda is always the easy rationalisation.
I was wrong, very wrong. I am a hard worker, and I know I have areas for improvement. We all do. I want to be promoted, but wierding out and getting pissed doesn't do anything but make it worse. I hate it when I act like a child. ARGHHHHH!
Stressful times are unpredictable and come in varying degrees of stress. I can get through them without a cigarette. I can, I have, I will not smoke tobacco again. This is my promise to myself. Hell, if I'm lucky, no matter if I ever get another promotion, I live longer. I'll be able to breath, walk, run, ride my bike and enjoy myself.
I got out on my real bike today. I am so freakin' outta shape! I need to learn patience. I went around the neighborhood circle including 2 cul de sacs. I made it with no stops, but my heart was pounding and I was breathing so hard! The front tire is low and I couldn't get the seat adjusted to the right height. Gonna get out on it again tomorrow and try again. About an hour later, I rode my stationary for 15 minutes. I made a conscious effort to work harder than ever.
So Thursday was the best day I had experienced to date. Met with my boss over lunch and discussed mid-year (I know we're way past mid-year). All in all it was a good conversation. I had located a client facing opportunity in Europe and he agreed! Several people providing feedback on my strengths and opportunities stated I needed exposure to clients outside of the US. I was on cloud nine! (Prior to lunch I had convinced myself that there would be one reason or another why there was somthing else that would be more appopriate.)
I had dinner with my boss and a former boss Thursday evening. She is my favorite person I have ever reported to. She's a wonderful mentor. We chatted, told stories, ate sushi. It was a great time!
I got home and had a blast online with a few friends. My quit buddy tells a terribly funny story on herself about falling during her run/walk. (Sometimes I have a hard time believing her stories). She wound up peeing her pants after her dog trips her and she takes a hard fall on hands and knees.
Two other friends are in Dallas for a client meeting. I get this email with a picture attached. K took a pic of J following a dinner theatre. An actress is hugging and kissing all over J. What a hoot!
Then, outta the blue I hear about mid-year promotions that came out. I reacted badly, very badly. Didn't sleep all night and dwelled on it way too long on Friday. I puton my workout clothes, packed my work clothes and left for the office at 5:20 am. I plugged in and took off about 6 am for a run/walk to the riverfront. Wish I had run longer and walked less, but I didn't stop even at stop signals. Plan on doing this at least twice this week coming up.
I wanted a cigarette more on Friday than I had for the last 2 weeks. My quit buddy was in meetings most of the day. I walked the block around our building 3 times, by myself. It worked. I didn't want that cigarette because of the physical addiction. I wanted it, because that what I've always done in stressful situations; I've smoked like a freight train.
I wish I hadn't done that. I wish I hadn't found out about the promos. But you know, could shoulda woulda is always the easy rationalisation.
I was wrong, very wrong. I am a hard worker, and I know I have areas for improvement. We all do. I want to be promoted, but wierding out and getting pissed doesn't do anything but make it worse. I hate it when I act like a child. ARGHHHHH!
Stressful times are unpredictable and come in varying degrees of stress. I can get through them without a cigarette. I can, I have, I will not smoke tobacco again. This is my promise to myself. Hell, if I'm lucky, no matter if I ever get another promotion, I live longer. I'll be able to breath, walk, run, ride my bike and enjoy myself.
I got out on my real bike today. I am so freakin' outta shape! I need to learn patience. I went around the neighborhood circle including 2 cul de sacs. I made it with no stops, but my heart was pounding and I was breathing so hard! The front tire is low and I couldn't get the seat adjusted to the right height. Gonna get out on it again tomorrow and try again. About an hour later, I rode my stationary for 15 minutes. I made a conscious effort to work harder than ever.
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