December 25

so many things since last post - raced 2 cyclocross races - had a couple of nice dates with a good friend - somehow have mostly found peace

today has to be the best holiday of the year - I got to see both my girls for several hours. They brought mom to my house and we visited with my brother and his girls. Missed seeing my sis. I dropped in on her yesterday and had a short visit and got a hug.

So, I must move past all this stuff that is out of my control. Mom gives me a gift that she knows (tells my Sister) that I won't like. She bought me clothes that are pink, I have never worn pink.

My girls spent Christmas Eve with my ex and in-laws and then spent the night with their Dad. They are going to spend tomorrow with him for his birthday. This is great for him and I truly am glad. But why do I have to have these nasty feelings of self pity? Spent my birthday alone? pushing them away, trying to tear them up and burn them I disappoint myself with these thoughts.

Tomorrow is a new day - I will take Mom home - I will ride my bike - I will read - I will meditate - I will find some peace

I need to think and plan. I need to put these thoughts of romance away. I should be practical. right? right? right?

accept ourselves and others, be real, be vulnerable, be ugly, be beautiful, be weak, be strong, laugh and weap