03 December, 2009

Tears keep streaming

down my cheeks. They come from nowhere some days. Seems there's no rhyme or reason. But then at times there's plenty of reason.

Today I was reminded about a film showing tomorrow at UofL. It's about an underground abortion service in Chicago before it became legal. As I was rereading the synopsis I noticed one of the attendees posted a link to their blog. She writes about her experiences as an escort for clients visiting the clinic here in town. It's difficult to read about people getting up into someone's face and calling them names as they walk to the clinic. These women have made some very difficult decisions in their lives. It bothers me to hear people call others names and berate them, judge them. So many are full of so much hate. We need more love and kindness in this world.

I am struggling with other things. Me mostly. I have friends. I have acquaintences. I don't know how to go about meeting more people. It seems at times that I am not as socially skilled as I once thought.I am too needy.

How does one go about this dating thing? 'cause I have messed it up plenty. just can't seem to go slow enough. be quiet long enough. but then I approach all people in the same manner, doesn't matter if we've dated or just friends. I email or text, ask questions make commentary. Wear people out or down or both. How do I find patience? How can I be satisfied with just me? I feel so turbulent inside sometimes. Like a pot of boiling water and can't turn down the heat and before you know it it's exhausted and empty. Is this my hormones? Is this from the Chantix? or is this just a character flaw that I've had since the beginning of time? Is it the cloudy days and lack of riding out doors? I don't know

I want to laugh and smile enough to balance the tears.

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