04 May, 2010

topsy turvy

I have been on my own for 13 months now. In that time I have gotten divorced, grieved over my girls trying to make sense of it, grieved over the loss of my very close relationship with my sister, grieved over losing a best friend.

I have trained, I have raced, I have broken bones, I have healed, I have cheered. I have loved, I have lost, I have worked to regain what was lost. I have fallen more than I want to admit, both physically and emotionally. I have picked myself up.

I've watched many friends lose their jobs, others leave their jobs. I've made new friends. I've lost old friends.

It's been fun, sad, exciting, and terribly painful. What I want is elusive. I should stop wanting.

I'm not satisfied with my physical ability. I am trying to be realistic, but don't want to settle. I know I won't be first or second or third while racing against women 20+ years my junior. I don't want to be the butt of people's jokes either. Honestly, I just want to do better than the last time and stop falling down. :)

Today was a shitty day. My hip ached, my heart ached. My fall a week and a half ago makes it difficult to stay on the saddle. I skipped my workout today and feel terrible about it.

I can do this in solitude. But I thrive on nurturing, mostly giving but sometimes like today I need to receive some. I will survive without it, but I won't thrive without it. A gentle touch, a hand on my hand, an arm around me - they are all simple things, but beyond my grasp. Someday, it'd be nice to have someone reach out to me when I hadn't prodded first.

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