December 25

so many things since last post - raced 2 cyclocross races - had a couple of nice dates with a good friend - somehow have mostly found peace

today has to be the best holiday of the year - I got to see both my girls for several hours. They brought mom to my house and we visited with my brother and his girls. Missed seeing my sis. I dropped in on her yesterday and had a short visit and got a hug.

So, I must move past all this stuff that is out of my control. Mom gives me a gift that she knows (tells my Sister) that I won't like. She bought me clothes that are pink, I have never worn pink.

My girls spent Christmas Eve with my ex and in-laws and then spent the night with their Dad. They are going to spend tomorrow with him for his birthday. This is great for him and I truly am glad. But why do I have to have these nasty feelings of self pity? Spent my birthday alone? pushing them away, trying to tear them up and burn them I disappoint myself with these thoughts.

Tomorrow is a new day - I will take Mom home - I will ride my bike - I will read - I will meditate - I will find some peace

I need to think and plan. I need to put these thoughts of romance away. I should be practical. right? right? right?

accept ourselves and others, be real, be vulnerable, be ugly, be beautiful, be weak, be strong, laugh and weap

much to learn

"seeing what is small is called insight, abiding in softness is called strength" lao tzu

I keep making the same mistakes - I need to learn how to abide in softness - how to enjoy now - how to be fulfilled as I am - only time will tell

meditation is helping me be more grounded and less anxious - I need much more practice though

peace

Tears keep streaming

down my cheeks. They come from nowhere some days. Seems there's no rhyme or reason. But then at times there's plenty of reason.


Today I was reminded about a film showing tomorrow at UofL. It's about an underground abortion service in Chicago before it became legal. As I was rereading the synopsis I noticed one of the attendees posted a link to their blog. She writes about her experiences as an escort for clients visiting the clinic here in town. It's difficult to read about people getting up into someone's face and calling them names as they walk to the clinic. These women have made some very difficult decisions in their lives. It bothers me to hear people call others names and berate them, judge them. So many are full of so much hate. We need more love and kindness in this world.


I am struggling with other things. Me mostly. I have friends. I have acquaintences. I don't know how to go about meeting more people. It seems at times that I am not as socially skilled as I once thought.I am too needy.


How does one go about this dating thing? 'cause I have messed it up plenty. just can't seem to go slow enough. be quiet long enough. but then I approach all people in the same manner, doesn't matter if we've dated or just friends. I email or text, ask questions make commentary. Wear people out or down or both. How do I find patience? How can I be satisfied with just me? I feel so turbulent inside sometimes. Like a pot of boiling water and can't turn down the heat and before you know it it's exhausted and empty. Is this my hormones? Is this from the Chantix? or is this just a character flaw that I've had since the beginning of time? Is it the cloudy days and lack of riding out doors? I don't know

I want to laugh and smile enough to balance the tears.

It was right there

within reach. I just wanted to hold hands or touch an arm. It was a great day and a new adventure for me. I knew I shouldn't, so I didn't. A while back I was told to get over it. Think I have and then I haven't.

Such a newbie. Making all kinds of mistakes, for sure. Trying to learn. It's not easy. shit