sore throat

woke up in middle of night with a scratchy throat and it was misery all morning then as it has subsided I've gottent his nice headache to replace the focus of pain.

I spend lots of time alone, too much time alone causes me to think. Then I go and do stupid stuff like send emails I should leave in draft form for a while.

So I fuck up way too much stuff that I really want to be good.

just all mixed up

and am a big goof - it was a great beginning to the day today.

I held a call with one of my peers in Warsaw. She and I have really connected over the last few years, teaming up when we could. She held a call with me and a new team leader that I'll be working closely with over the next year or longer. I've very excited about this new team, the team lead and the work we are tasked with for the next period of time.

Later this morning I had a call with my boss. She said to book my flights to Warsaw and I'll stay in her apartment. Two weeks is a long time to be gone. I can't ride my bike for two weeks, what am I gonna do? Fresh veggies will be impossible to get hold of, all starchy food.

I should be thrilled and am on one hand but anxious on the other

I need to stop second guessing myself.

Should've posted before now

I'll try to put something together that is more comprehensive, but:
I had 3 incredible days bringing in the New Year with a special friend. Dinner in, a movie, a bike ride - were all special. Moving forward slowly and easily, no need to rush.

Trying to get serious about training and put 4 hours on the trainer today. Had a two hour ride, took 30 minutes for lunch and then rode an hour, took a short 10 minute break and then another hour.

Weather has turned very cold. Just couldn't bring myself to ride outdoors today. Not sure when next time will come.

Back to work tomorrow and to bed now.

Hello 2010! I hope to make the best of you

December 25

so many things since last post - raced 2 cyclocross races - had a couple of nice dates with a good friend - somehow have mostly found peace

today has to be the best holiday of the year - I got to see both my girls for several hours. They brought mom to my house and we visited with my brother and his girls. Missed seeing my sis. I dropped in on her yesterday and had a short visit and got a hug.

So, I must move past all this stuff that is out of my control. Mom gives me a gift that she knows (tells my Sister) that I won't like. She bought me clothes that are pink, I have never worn pink.

My girls spent Christmas Eve with my ex and in-laws and then spent the night with their Dad. They are going to spend tomorrow with him for his birthday. This is great for him and I truly am glad. But why do I have to have these nasty feelings of self pity? Spent my birthday alone? pushing them away, trying to tear them up and burn them I disappoint myself with these thoughts.

Tomorrow is a new day - I will take Mom home - I will ride my bike - I will read - I will meditate - I will find some peace

I need to think and plan. I need to put these thoughts of romance away. I should be practical. right? right? right?

accept ourselves and others, be real, be vulnerable, be ugly, be beautiful, be weak, be strong, laugh and weap

much to learn

"seeing what is small is called insight, abiding in softness is called strength" lao tzu

I keep making the same mistakes - I need to learn how to abide in softness - how to enjoy now - how to be fulfilled as I am - only time will tell

meditation is helping me be more grounded and less anxious - I need much more practice though

peace

Tears keep streaming

down my cheeks. They come from nowhere some days. Seems there's no rhyme or reason. But then at times there's plenty of reason.


Today I was reminded about a film showing tomorrow at UofL. It's about an underground abortion service in Chicago before it became legal. As I was rereading the synopsis I noticed one of the attendees posted a link to their blog. She writes about her experiences as an escort for clients visiting the clinic here in town. It's difficult to read about people getting up into someone's face and calling them names as they walk to the clinic. These women have made some very difficult decisions in their lives. It bothers me to hear people call others names and berate them, judge them. So many are full of so much hate. We need more love and kindness in this world.


I am struggling with other things. Me mostly. I have friends. I have acquaintences. I don't know how to go about meeting more people. It seems at times that I am not as socially skilled as I once thought.I am too needy.


How does one go about this dating thing? 'cause I have messed it up plenty. just can't seem to go slow enough. be quiet long enough. but then I approach all people in the same manner, doesn't matter if we've dated or just friends. I email or text, ask questions make commentary. Wear people out or down or both. How do I find patience? How can I be satisfied with just me? I feel so turbulent inside sometimes. Like a pot of boiling water and can't turn down the heat and before you know it it's exhausted and empty. Is this my hormones? Is this from the Chantix? or is this just a character flaw that I've had since the beginning of time? Is it the cloudy days and lack of riding out doors? I don't know

I want to laugh and smile enough to balance the tears.

It was right there

within reach. I just wanted to hold hands or touch an arm. It was a great day and a new adventure for me. I knew I shouldn't, so I didn't. A while back I was told to get over it. Think I have and then I haven't.

Such a newbie. Making all kinds of mistakes, for sure. Trying to learn. It's not easy. shit