Much to think and ponder and decide in my future

Another chapter has closed, at least it feels that way.
Time to move on and follow the path in front of me.
I've never been one to say good-bye, but there are times I've been told good-bye. And on some level good riddance. Not a good feeling. At all.
Crossroads where "friends" and family have cut me loose.

One says/asks if I'm running away. I truly don't believe that's it. I'm ready to find a way to do something I want to do. No obligation that says I must stay in that job or live in that place. The amount of time I have to end of life gets shorter all the time. 20 more years if I am fortunate. Don't want to spend the next 10 in a cubicle and then be too old, fat and miserable to do "what I've worked so hard for". F that

Today, for the first time, I said out loud to another person that I think achieving PRs on a bicycle are behind me. I didn't say it lightly. I don't want it to be true, but somehow deep down I think it might be. Another reason to make a change. Hell, I only started riding bikes in 2007, but next month I start my 60th rotation around the sun.

I'm a proud mother of two smart and beautiful women. I wouldn't change much of my time having and raising them. Though I've been told I did quite a bit incorrectly.

So back in '13 I found a place that feels good and calls me back regularly. I may never get to realize the silly little dream I've kindled for 3+ years.

more to come if the universe sees fit...

peace and love

"Friends"

What friend won't answer when you call, but text in response. And when you say you want to talk, they tell you you are being mysterious. Those aren't friends. 

It's happened with several people.  After texting here and there things get lost and tone is assumed. Communication gets befuddled.

Conversations are important. Real communication is important. 

But then when people decide to take new venues it gets serious.

Sending love their way. 

Glad to be done with them.

Almost a year has passed

since Mom died. Facebook memories are tough sometimes, but I'm glad I recorded points in history to reflect and remember. 

December 21, 2015,we placed Mom in the Hosparus unit at Norton Hospital. It is a quiet and peaceful place. No machines beeping or burping. Just soft voices and tears or sobs at times. 

Last Christmas Eve, after sitting with Mom and playing carols for her through my phone on Pandora I went to church. Not a religious person, but a friend who is a pastor holds a late Christmas Eve service. I think I cried through most of it. Lots of singing, a few words and communion. I did not partake of communion though. Once I got home I was emotionally exhausted, but in a good way. The service helped me find some peace. I hope to return this evening. I might even see some familiar faces and exchange hugs.

I have had a tough time since summer '14 for many reasons. That's a long time to not be able to shake things off. Maybe '17 will see some brighter days as I make some changes. Would be nice to keep the autoimmune at bay for a while and get back to riding. I've become so sedentary that the weight is beginning to be ridiculous in my opinion.

Currently I have a couple of goals. One is to reconcile and one is to have fun.
That's it for now.

peace and love for all

Easy is forgettable

I've made that my mantra for the last number of years. But sometimes I fail and go for the easy way, at least with some relationships.

"Be soft like water and be a powerful force." "Turn the other cheek. "

Honestly I try. Then I get weak and allow my ego to get the best of me. I say words. I poke the bear. I make it worse. 

So I'm going to try once again to be quiet, turn the other cheek. This isn't giving up or in. I will continue to try to do right. I will continue to love all. No it's not easy.

Life has its way.

 

Changing relationships

from friends to acquaintances is not much fun. 

One insists to be my friend but blocks my calls and emails. 

Truly thought they would be there when Mom died, but they weren't. 

Recently have gotten a random call, twice, just to be blocked again. 

My immediate reaction was anger. Now I'm just saddened by it all. 

I'm not perfect and make plenty of mistakes. Reckon that is obvious to everyone. 

More of life's lessons. 

Been a while

and not sure I have anything interesting to say. This is more about getting stuff off my chest. You are welcome to close the tab now.

I've gained many pounds over the last 2 year or so. My fitness has waned (understatement). But I'm not giving up, yet. Not ready to quit, though I have toyed with that thought for most of the last 2+ years. 

Right now I'm grateful that I am as healthy as I am. I can ride my bike. Lungs are still damaged and allergies and asthma kick my ass, especially right now. But I can ride my bike. That seems to be my best mental therapy, taking the bike to the woods. There have been many months lately that I just didn't get that fix like i'm used to.

Seems my friends list has gone through some changes over the last 3 years. A metamorphosis is the term I prefer  Wow has that been painful. I'm grateful for it though. I've grown because of it. I've meditated and prayed and soul searched. I realize I am a good person, flawed yes, but well meaning always. I care and support all of you. I will cheer you on no matter what. 

I've become a grandmother. This I cannot describe properly. My heart feels like it will explode when I am with Violet. She is a spitfire and rules the roost. :-) 

My Mom died on January 1st after several years long journey with dementia. Looking back it definitely began much earlier that we realized at the time. I miss her. I've missed her for a few years now. 

I continue. There are days I'm not sure how or why I do. There are many people I've called my friends that didn't come to the funeral or reach out. My eyes opened and my heart has broken many times over. There were a few special friends that have taken time and for them I am grateful and some of them that surprised me. 

I am not one to burn bridges or to say good-bye. There is the knowledge that I cannot know what others are going through in their lives. I  send my love their way. 

ramblings 

I love you
 

I never knew

how much my heart could really hurt until after I turned 55. Boy oh boy, it can hurt a lot and for so many reasons.

Love yourself and those places that hurt the worst. Once we can do that and then project love to the reasons the hurt exists the pain fades into nothingness.

Love, love , love, love...

peace to all